


Stars In Our Eyes

by cakesnake



Series: The Sun Burns Bright [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst? Sort of, Can Heidi be MY mom?, Connor Cries is my ™, Everybody Lives/Nobody Dies, Galaxy Gals, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, I'm probably projecting a lot of my own intrusive thoughts into these characters, M/M, New Conspiracy: Connor didn't finish the milk, Romance, Soulmate AU, TW: Self Destructive Thoughts and Behaviours, TW: Suicide Mention, The Amazing Asshole Jared Kleinman, Tree bros™, Tw: vague references to an eating disorder, You better believe I for forevered it, because i love them, but this is fanfic, colour, on a little side plate, tbh, the boys are Not Okay™, the kids aren't alright, tw: suicidal ideation, we all do that, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-10-30 15:39:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 42,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10879824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cakesnake/pseuds/cakesnake
Summary: Evan Hansen knows Soulmates exist, he's just such a mess of a person he had assumed he'd never get one.Connor Murphy knows that Soulmates are a fairytale, and knows he doesn't need another person to be whole. But he wants one.





	1. Broken Parts

Only really lucky people meet their soulmate, so Evan; being quite the pessimist by nature; knew he would never find his soulmate. But he could read the stories. Sit on threads of people talking about seeing colour for the first time, seeing colours, and still only really being swept away by the mirth in their soulmates laugh, or the little habit they had of tucking their hair behind their ear, or they way they blushed after telling a joke.

 Evan could wish there was someone out there who would make his world burst into colour. Whose smile would make him see more than what he had found at a very young age to not be the full colour spectrum, but a simple grayscale of the real thing.

 Maybe that's where his anxiety started. Maybe he was broken because he was the product of a non-matched couple. Maybe it was because of that, or simply a mixture of bad genetics and absent father syndrome. Evan didn't have a clue, but he knew that he was a burden, and that it would be easier for his mother to find who she was supposed to spend her life with if he wasn't around.

When he was young she would tell him: “Evan, I don't need to see in colour. When I first saw your face I felt a stronger love than I could ever hope for from a soulmate.” And for a long time he believed that. That he was enough. But now, sitting on a bough in a tree far from anyone who could hear him cry out when he hit the ground, he knew he wasn't. His mother wasn't happy. How could she be happy with a broken child? With a son whose brain was so twisted he could barely speak to his teachers in privacy.

He could spare them both the pain now and just slide off the branch. He could let go, and stop caring, and he would be dead, and his mother would be free. And he would be free.

He let go.

 

* * *

 

Connor Murphy didn't believe in soulmates. They were the kind of thing that were made up for little kids to give them some hope that someday they'd be a complete person. But that was bullshit. Connor was a complete person. Sure, he didn't feel whole on the inside, but it wasn't that he was missing someone he never knew, it was more like feeling the absence of a part that never grew.

And maybe it was the part that made happiness. He knew for sure that this wasn't a soulmate thing, Zoe wasn't matched, and she was happy. He could see her smiles, hear her laughs. He knew she was happy, and it made him so angry to know she never felt the twinge of a muscle that wasn't there that was trying to propel him forward into something meaningful. She never had that empty feeling where her smile should be. She hadn't sunk into the knowledge that black and white was all she was ever going to see.But Connor had.

And Connor couldn't feel a damn thing about it. So he took to getting that feeling back artificially. Smoking wasn't the healthiest of his habits, but at least while he was high he forgot that he was missing something. He forgot to look for something to fill the hole. Weed didn't fill the empty space like he had wanted it to, but it threw a rug over it so that one could temporarily forget it was there.

 Of course, that only led to more problems. _Fucking_ Larry noticed his son getting more and more despondent, and in retaliation started insulting him more and more, and taking Zoe's side in more arguments, and his mother became a helicopter parent. She wanted to know all about what was going on, who he was texting, what he was doing after school, and she enlisted in Zoe's help to keep an eye on him.

Zoe didn't care. He was her social downfall. Everything in her life would be fine if it weren't for him. So he could fuck up his own life if he wanted, as long as he didn't do it publicly so he didn't drag her down with him.

The problem was, not a person in his life cared that he was so empty. That he was so scared that that hole would never be filled. That maybe the stories were right, and he wouldn't ever feel whole, because he wouldn't ever meet his soulmate.

Cynthia wanted to put Connor into therapy, wanted to put him on the good kind of drugs. Larry wanted her to stop coddling him, couldn't she see he was doing all of this for attention? And Zoe wanted Connor out of her life.

None of them asked him what was wrong. And Connor never told. So when it became too much, Connor took the razor out of the place he hid it from his mother, locked himself in the bathroom and decided to end it.

 

* * *

 

So Evan ended up in a cast, incurring hundreds, if not thousands of dollars in medical bills, and all he could think was ‘Is this better than having died?’ And he wasn't sure it was. Funerals were expensive, and maybe a broken arm and a scarred psyche were a lesser evil.

All the same, he told his mother he fell and that his boss drove him to the ER, a half truth. He didn't want her to worry. He couldn't be a further burden. His therapist saw him slightly more frequently, like she knew it wasn't an accident, and she introduced a new bit of homework. Evan hated getting homework from his therapist. She wanted to write himself letters about why each day would be a good day.

But no day was a good day. Every day Evan was more of a burden, and he fucked everything up. Every day he was more and more lonely. Every day was a reminder that he was an unpleasant person to be around, punctuated by the lack of his mother and any friends.

So he didn't try. He didn't eat. Maybe he'd get so small he'd disappear. He couldn't risk a big stunt like the tree incident, but his anxiety prevented him from ordering food for the awkwardness of exchanging words with another person, and prevented him from eating in front of people that weren't his mother for fear that he ate funny, that he might drop something. How do you deal with that in a calm way? What if he accidentally dropped something out of his mouth? The very thought churned his stomach. He sat at home, on his computer, fidgeting with the edges of his cast, eating dry cereal at irregular intervals wishing that he had maybe succeeded in taking his life. But mostly wishing he had never been born at all.

 

* * *

 

Connor picked at the bandages that lay heavy on his arms while Larry berated him on all he didn't appreciate, all he almost messed up, how he and Cynthia were so disappointed in him for the _stupid thing_ he had tried to do. Zoe was still in her room upstairs, where she had been for the last week truth be told. Connor wouldn't know though. He had been in the psych ward on high alert as a suicide risk. As if he would try to kill himself in a Hospital. There were too many people there that could stop his plans in their tracks.

And Larry was still going on about how he had scarred his sister, and that if he needed attention he might try taking to the family more and smoking less rather than pulling _stunts_ like this. Zoe had found him with his arms in the full bloody basin, and had started screaming bloody murder, yanking at his arms, stemming the blood flow. Apparently he hadn't locked the door as much as he thought. But there was enough blood gone that his vision was fuzzy and he was hopeful, even as his sister knelt above him with a white towel marred by his blood in her hands.

He couldn't even off himself right. He couldn't even finish that simple task properly. He had to fuck it up by not locking the door. It was like he wanted to be found. He was so angry at himself, but the only way he could express his anger out loud ended up being directed at Zoe. He had finally been allowed to come home, and she had been waiting worried at the door. Instead of consoling her, or thanking her as his parents were convinced he should do all he could find in himself was a snarl of “ _You should have let me die!_ ” And she had run upstairs, obviously holding back tears.

He had regretted it as he said it. He wasn't angry at her. If anything he was relieved that someone finally saw him as broken as he felt, finally knew how seriously he was hurting, but it had all come out in the anger he had been bottling up for forever.

When Larry finally stopped talking he wandered up to his room. The bathroom and his room no longer had doors.

 

* * *

 

The first day back at school was always the worst, and Evan knew this would be no exception. Still he wrote the note.

_Dear Evan Hansen, Today is going to be an amazing day, and here's why, because all you need to do is just be yourself._

Evan couldn't stop his brain from racing a million miles to correct the note. He needed to be confident, and well spoken, interesting and easy to talk to, and God he needed to stop worrying that his hands were going to get sweaty for no reason. They didn't even get sweaty until he started worrying about that.

Evan closed his laptop and his eyes, trying to take away this day. Maybe when he opened his eyes the day would be over. Maybe he would never open his eyes, and would find that this was the equivalent of his life flashing before his eyes. Maybe he was still in the air, prolonging the moment before he would hit the ground and all of the air would be knocked out of his lungs. But no, life was still a dull black and white, he was still in his bedroom and it was still the first day of school.

Evan shoved his laptop into his bag, resolving to finish the letter later in the day, when his mother announced she had booked him another appointment with Doctor Sherman a week early. And if she thought that didn't spark fear that tried to claw its way up his throat, she was wrong. It was against schedule, and being at the psychologist's office meant he had to talk. And when talking there was more of a chance that he could fuck it all up. Instead of showing his inward panic, he gave his mother one word answers and unquestioningly took his pills. He then realised he had agreed to ask kids at school to sign his cast, and groaned inwardly.

There he goes, fucking himself over again. He started his real letter in his head.

 _Dear Evan Hansen, You wouldn't have to go to the psychologist’s if you were dead, so there's another pro, if you were looking for those_.

At school, he was faced with Alana, who was nice enough. She didn't expect him to talk back, which was nice, but he wasn't sure if it was a consideration she took for him or if it was classic conditioning from years of being talked over. Either way, being talked at was the better alternative to being expected to take part in the conversation, even if he felt smothered in information around her.

She wasn't so concerned with how he broke his arm, and more concerned with how that could be used as a stepping stone to the story of her grandmother breaking her hip and dying.

And Jared was adamant that he not be seen as Evan’s friend, and that meant communicating on a regular occasion that they were family friends, and he wouldn't talk to Evan if it wasn't for his mother threatening to stop paying his car insurance. All the same, he at least prompted Evan to tell the story of how he broke his arm, or at least tell the story he told his mother. There was no sympathy, only a joke that should have been thought better of, and a refusal to sign his cast.

Was there a way that this day wouldn't be the worst?

 

* * *

 

Connor went out onto the roof to smoke now. With no door, he couldn't risk his parents finding him. And scrambling up the roof tiles had that ‘you could die right here right now’ vibe to it that he liked.

But he decided against smoking this morning, it wouldn't help the inevitable argument he'd have with his mother about staying home from school. But he hesitated going downstairs. Because there would be an argument in which he would end up looking like the bad guy. And of course he would. Because he wouldn't participate, wouldn't defend himself. Why should he try defending himself if they were just going to blame him anyways?

It took a while to drag his heavy body downstairs to the kitchen. His mum insisted on whole family breakfasts, and it seemed to him that they hadn't even waited for him, like he knew they would if it had been Zoe. So when he sat down someone, probably his dad who took his coffee with so much milk it looked like the coffee mug was just filled with milk. He rolled his eyes and filled his bowl with dry cereal.

At breakfast, having brought up the subject of not going to school, he was met with what he knew was coming. Zoe's scowling, his father ignoring him, and his mother's exasperated attempts at enforcing some rules. All he could feel was that anger, the anger that weighed him down, and started spewing out of his mouth without him even consciously opening it.

School was no different. He had no friends, so there was no one to reconnect with about the summer. Not that he could tell the whole truth anyway, his mother didn't want him bringing shame on the family by telling everyone that there was a chemical imbalance in his brain that sometimes told him he'd be better of dead. Had to keep that hush hush.

And then: “Hey Connor!”

He whipped his head up to make sure he was hearing right. Somebody wanted to talk to him.

“I like the new hair length,” It was that asshole Jared Klienman, yes the amazing asshole, Jared Kleinman. “Very School Shooter Chic.”

There was a deafening silence that rushed through Connor’s brain and all he could do was stare Kleinman down.

“It was just a joke…”

And then the words came rushing. “No it was funny, I'm laughing. Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

He took a step forward and was almost pleased to see Klienman take a matching step back.

“You're such a freak."

A freak. It shouldn't still hurt. He had been being called a freak since second grade when he dropped that printer on Miss G’s foot. He hadn't even thought consciously about doing it. One minute the heat of that anger was pulsating between his ears, and the next Miss G was howling and all the other kids were staring at him with shocked horror all over their faces.

There was a snort. Not quite a laugh, but it was there, and that was it. That was the final straw. He looked up and saw Klienman’s little tag along. Eddie? Ethan? Evan. Evan Hansen. He looked just as shocked as Connor at the noise he had just made.

 

* * *

Oh god. What was that noise he had just made. Jared was walking away, and there was still this tension in the air, and then this snort came out of his mouth, unbidden, totally unexpected.

He looked at Connor who looked up at him directly with what could only be described as fury in his eyes.

“Are you laughing at me? Why are you laughing at me? I'm not a freak.” Connor started moving forward now. At Evan. Evan willed his feet to move, but found he couldn't, only stuttering out: “No, No- I wasn't- I didn't mean-”

And then Connor's hands were forcing him backwards. “You're the fucking-”

And he stopped, that fury changing to confusion and maybe dread in his blue eyes- blue eyes. Was that blue? Is that what blue looked like? Connor's hands contracted on his shirt, stopping Evan from toppling backwards, holding him aloft at a strange angle.

“Holy shit.”


	2. Step Into the Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea if this is the same characterisation as last chapter. But I'm uploading anyway, because you guys were so welcoming and supportive. Let me know if I got it wrong.

Connor dropped Evan and looked around. The school hallway decor was uninspiring, but it was in _colour_. And all because of the blond kid he just dropped on the floor. He started and offered his hand to Evan, a crease forming between his brows.

He cleared his threat. “Sorry. I didn't mean to- I was taken by surprise…”

Evan looked as shocked as him. The colours were astounding on this kid, somehow brighter than everything else. The blush (pink!) in his cheeks, the honey tones in his hair, the blue stripes in the polo shirt he was wearing, the green in his eyes. It was all somehow more.

Evan bit his lip and reached up with his unbroken arm for Connor to help him up. Connor looked him in the eye.

“What happens now?” Even said quietly, not stuttering for maybe the first time in his life.

“I guess we get to know each other. Do you think if we tell the office we just found our Soulmates that they'll let us skip out on classes?”

Now that was a terrifying thought for Evan, skipping class without a reason. Sure, sometimes there were days when he just couldn't force his feet forward through the door, and instead called his mom and walked home, but was this worth it?

“Connor!” Called a voice behind them, breaking them from their stupor. “What the hell did you just do?” Zoe came into view, standing between Evan and Connor, facing Evan.

Connor rolled his eyes. “I didn't do-”

“Are you okay? Did he hurt you?”

“Yes, I'm- I’m- He didn't mean-”

“Connor, you _fucking_ psycho, you can't just go around terrifying kids-”

“I'm older than you, actually-”

“Zoe, has anyone told you how purple that shirt is? It's a disaster.” Connor deadpanned.

That stopped her in her tracks.

“Did you just say-”

“Yes, before you so rudely interrupted, my soulmate and I were discussing what we might do today.”

The siblings made intense eye contact, as though the both of them were daring the other to start yelling. Then Zoe grinned.

“You don't want me to tell mom.”

“I'd prefer to tell her myself. When I deem appropriate.”

“I want a fifty and for you to stop smoking.”

“What?” Connors eyebrow, half hidden by his hair made their way up to his hairline.

“If you don't want me to talk, pay me, and stop smoking, or I'll call mom right now.”

“Ugh!” Connor dropped his head back and groaned in disgust. “Fine.” He took out his wallet and deposited a fifty dollar note and a baggie of weed into her palm. “That's my mobile stash, you can have the rest when we get home. Now Evan and I-”

“And me. If you're skipping out, I'm coming with.”

“Zoe, sister mine, take a walk with me?” Connor offered a tight smile, seeing Evan’s eyes get wider. He knew Evan would want to connect on a personal level. They knew nothing about each other, and even he didn't want someone else around when he was forced to talk about himself.

Evan watched the Murphy siblings walk a few feet down the hallway, only for Connor to lean in, whisper something unintelligible. Zoe's eyes widened and she strides down the hallway towards Evan.

“I'm not gonna skip school, that would be a bad, bad thing to do. Goodbye, Evan.” And with that she sprinted away.

All of a sudden Connor's arm was around Evan’s shoulders. “Did you want to go?”

“Well, um, we never decided what we- what we were gonna do-” Evan stuttered, walking with Connor out to the parking lot.

“Well this is about us getting to know each other. I thought I'd take you somewhere that means something to me. Next time we meet up, you can take me somewhere that means something to you.”

“Well, um, actually I don't drive, cos, it makes me anxious, and last time I drove- Well, I forgot how to hill start- cos my mom only has a stick car, so I can only drive stick- and um, I nearly rolled back into a guy I stalled in front of at the last intersection, and then I cried and-”

“I get it. Next time, I'll drive, you direct. Don't break yourself.” Connor admired the blush on Evans cheeks. He could get used to this ‘seeing colour’ thing.

They arrived in front of a car that stuck out to Evan as neither old nor new, but in fairly good repair. The silver paint job was unmarred, and clean, and the inside looked like it was regularly professionally cleaned. Completely unlike anything Evan had expected from Connor, who, despite never actually having seen colour before today, was able to identify that his clothes were pure black. Even his (chipped) nail polish. It was very cohesive, and slightly intimidating.

“This is it. Get in, it's unlocked.” Connor said, seeing the slightly confused look on Evan’s face.

“You still haven't told me where we’re going.” Evan said, opening the door, and getting in the passenger side.

“Somewhere that means something to me. You'll see when we get there.” Connor grinned, and Evan decided he wanted to see that smile as often as possible.

“Now, tell me,” Connor continued, as he backed out of his parking space, “How did you break your arm?”

Evan froze. He could lie to his mom, to his psychologist, to Jared, but wasn't it somehow morally disgusting to lie to your soulmate. In all of the shock of having found him, having found Connor, he had forgotten how broken he was. How utterly despicable what he had done was. Would Connor want him if he knew? Would he hate him?

All of a sudden the car was stopped and there were hands on his shoulders, and Connor was on his side of the car, the door open. There was a crease of worry between his brows.

“Evan?”

Connor's voice was far away from him, and all he could focus on was trying to get air to fill his lungs. Connor was all of a sudden digging through his bag. “Do you keep Xanax in here?”

Evan couldn't answer, he couldn't breathe. He was going to die. This felt like death. He had only just found Connor and the crushing anxiety in his chest was going to crush the life out of him before he could know him.

“Evan, we’re going to do that counted breathing thing that they always recommend for kids with anxiety and anger issues. Follow me, okay. Inhale for seven.” Connor breathed in, and Evan tried to follow before all of the air came rushing out. He couldn't even doing a breathing exercise right. He found himself rocking forward enough that his head hit the dashboard, and Connor pushed his shoulders back.

“Okay, where is your phone? We've got to call someone. I can't help you.” Connor looked so worried.

“I- I- Xanax, in the front pocket of my bag-” He choked out.

“Okay, okay, you're going to be okay, Evan, I'm right here.” Connor took his hand, almost unconsciously, looking through the pocket with his other hand, finally finding the prescription pill bottle. Evan held out his hand as Connor gave him one of the little pills. Evan dry swallowed it, and continued rocking.

“You're okay, I'm right here. We're going to be fine. I'm right here, I won't leave you.” Connor kept murmuring until Evan felt his racing heartbeat finally relent. All of a sudden he could feel the tears on his face, and the impending headache from hitting his head on the dashboard.

He leant back in the seat, relishing in the feeling of air in his lungs.

“That was an intense panic attack.”

Evan sort of sighed and chuckled at the same time. Now Connor knew he was broken. Now he knew Evan was irrevocably beyond help. He knew that something was wrong with the way Evan had broken his arm. If he hadn't medicated himself, that would have been the restart of his panic attack. Instead he was laughing uncontrollably.

“What's so funny?” Connor asked, probably worried that Evan was entering a state of psychosis.

“I was so worried that you'd find out how broken my brain was that I had a panic attack, and showed you how broken I am. Oh my god, I'm _pathetic_!” Evan exclaimed.

Connor looked worried again. “You're not pathetic.”

“No, I am, I'm pathetic, and that's why I broke my arm. I jumped out of a tree, how _fucking_ sad is that!” Evan exclaimed, the tears starting again.

Connor looked down at the cast and back up at Evan.

“God, I would so much rather pretend that I'm better than these broken parts, something other than this mess you're seeing, but if we're meant to be together forever, you're going to see this eventually right?!”

Connor was stunned. Evan seemed like such a put together kid, and here he was breaking down in Connor's car, seemingly unaware of how much of a mess Connor had made of his life. How similar they were.

“You jumped out of a tree?”

“From thirty feet up. As if that would kill me.”

“I get it.” Connor whispered.

All of a sudden Evan seemed to snap back to reality.

“What?”

Connor pulled up his sleeves, the bandages gone, but the healing cuts remaining over maybe hundreds of scars that criss-crossed over his arms.

Evans mouth fell open a little bit, seeing now that maybe he wasn't the only one to feel like this, tentatively reaching out to wrap his hand around Connors wrist to bring his arm closer

“You did this?”

“I just feel so empty all the time, you know? Like nothing matters. Like I should be dead, like-”

“Like everyone around you would be better of if you were dead?”

“Yeah.”

“I wouldn't be.”

“You hardly know me.” Connor scoffed.

“That's true. But obviously we're going to mean something to each other. Why else would this have happened?” Evan asked.

Connor was silent.

“I'm not exactly the poster child for a healthy mind,” Evan continued. “But until you can start living for yourself, live for me?” He asked.

“Only if you do the same.”

“Then it's a deal.”

Evan froze again. “Oh my god. I cannot believe I just broke down in front of you after having known you for twenty minutes.”

“Well it's more like an hour now.”

“You're not going to hate me for this?”

“For being you? No. We're not so different, you and I.” Connor said mockingly. “If I were to shun you for that; which was very impressive, I must say; I would be the biggest hypocrite to grace the earth.”

There was a silence.

“D’you want to keep going?” Connor asked, suddenly aware that he had never really let go of Evan’s hand.

“Yeah. Show me this place of importance.”

“I can't wait to see the colours.” Connor smiled.

Evan smiled back. Even through the recent tears, that smile was the most adorable thing Connor had ever seen. If ever there was a reason to live, seeing that smile was it for him. Having driven another fifteen minutes they arrived.

Evan got out, still unsteady from his recent attack, and came face to face with Connor’s place of importance.

“Welcome to the Autumn Smiles Apple Orchard. It closed down in 2012. What do you think?”

 


	3. Take in the View

Evan looked out at the decrepit, uncared for apple trees and the peeling sign that happily proclaimed what Connor had just told him. And took in the high chain link fence surrounding the place.

“It's… pretty cool.” Evan said, somewhat underwhelmed. “What are we going to do here?”

He turned to face Connor and found he wasn't there, and was instead halfway up the fence, climbing over.

“You stay there I'll unlock the gate. You've already got a broken arm.” He said over his shoulder.

“I thought you said it's closed down?”

“Yep. Which means no one is here to catch us breaking in.”

Evan struggled to find anything to say to that.

Which Connor over the fence, he was obscured by the very tall grass, there was rustling behind the gate, a loud clank and the gate swung open toward him. Evan hesitated a moment, and then decided that it was worth taking this one chance.

The two of them walked in silence for a while, looking at the brown and yellow tones, the still present green in the leaves in the grass, at the occasional red leaf that had made its way to the ground. At the blue sky up above them. Evan basked in the serenity of it, the only noise in the air were their crunching footsteps and bird calls. There was a great calm in this place, more than he thought he might ever find anywhere else.

* * *

Connor still wasn't sure what had possessed him to comfort Evan the way he had, to open up to him, and to take him to his favourite place. They had never even spoken before today, and all because some kind of cosmic entity said that they were destined to be together he was opening up more to this kid than he had to his own mother in several years.

Maybe it was out of spite, toward Zoe, towards his parents, that he was making an effort to have a healthy happy relationship. Maybe it was out of greed. Evan had to listen to him, deal with all of his bullshit, comfort him, love him for the rest of their lives, so he was taking advantage of the situation. Maybe he was just so lonely that when presented with someone to talk to who knew how he felt, how empty he was, he couldn't stop from running his mouth.

But the smiles had been something different. He was smiling. Evan had inspired a smile in him where there hadn't been one in what felt like months.

Maybe it was the shock of seeing colours now, maybe it was the way that Evan seemed to be looking around in wonderment where just fifteen minutes ago he'd been cowering in the passenger seat, maybe it was the freedom Connor could feel now, having met a kindred spirit, in this place, far away from the harsh voices that kept him quiet, but there was a quiet sort of happy growing inside him. Not in that place the crushing emptiness was, but just beside it, warm and comfortable.

And that was scary.

It was like his entire being was focused around that empty space, and if that warmth spread and filled the hole, would he still be this person anymore? Would it mean that a soulmate was all he needed to fill the gap? Would it mean that all the help he had been silently begging his parents for would have been useless, because Evan was the right puzzle piece to slot in next to Connor the whole time? Was all of his pain just his longing for this boy?

It couldn't be. All that pain, all of that angst couldn't be due to him not having a soulmate. Normal people who didn't have Soulmates were fine. And some of them weren't in the way he was. This had to be separate. It had to be. Because otherwise, it all meant nothing.

* * *

“We used to have picnics here.” Connor suddenly broke the silence, still looking very wrapped up in his own mind. “My family and I. Zoe and I had this little remote control airplane that we would fly out in the field, and my dad, he tried to fly it once, and crashed it into the creek down there. He called in an emergency landing, and Zoe just laughed and laughed. I was a little pissed that my dad broke my toy, but even I had to admit that the situation was funny. And mom took us all to this little ice cream shop up the road to make up for the broken plane. I think that's the last time I remember my family being anything like normal.”

“Is that why you come back here?” Evan asked. “To keep the good memories alive?”

Connor chuckled humorlessly.“Something like that.”

They kept walking until Evan saw the wide yellow field Connor had been talking about, with the thin rock based trickle of a creek at the bottom. There was a wide expanse of trees around the field, some tall, some obviously very new, made from the dropping of apples that had never been picked.

“Your family picnics, is that why this place means so much to you?”

“I can remember happy here. The feeling of it.” Connor still seemed distracted, looking out at all the colours.

“It is very tranquil out here.” Evan said, immediately regretting even speaking, as if Connor wanted his input into the feeling of the orchard. It was Connor's place.

“Yeah, Connor replied, quiet, and sort of half heartedly.

* * *

Connor hadn't been here in years. It was all so familiar, and yet so changed. Here was the field, the grass now a wheat yellow instead of a light grey, the creek, a light trickle instead of the gushing stream it had been, still stone grey but the the deep green of moss to accent it, the trees, still tall, still begging him to climb them, to pick the apples and lie in their branches all day looking out at the blue, blue sky, the sky had been grey the last time he had been here, but today it was so clear.

And he had missed all of this beauty, because last time he was here he was so, so angry. At Zoe, at his father for crashing the plane, for ruining his toy, for laughing it off. He doesn't remember what he did next, but he remembers being pulled of Zoe, he remembers she was bleeding, he remembers being horrified at what he'd done. He remembers his father yelling, asking what was wrong with him, and a voice deep in his body echoing that question, what kind of sane person hurts his sister?

He remembers his mother holding Zoe, the first time she hadn't stood up for him to his father. She looked so shocked, so disappointed. And he had been so deeply horrified at himself. What had he done? Why had he done it? What was wrong with him? His father had told him he would drag him kicking and screaming to the car, but Connor hadn't wanted to kick and scream. He'd done something so deeply wrong, he was so ashamed of himself, he simply fell limp, and let his father carry him to the car.

He willed his father to not put on his seatbelt. Maybe they'd have an accident and everyone else would survive because they were wearing seat belts, but he wouldn't, and with his actions so fresh in their minds they'd say ‘good riddance’. But his father buckled his seatbelt as his mother buckled poor Zoe into the seat on the opposite side. And Connor scurried as far as he could into the door on his side, far enough away from her, so worried about hurting her again. He was her big brother. He was supposed to protect her, not hurt her.

He had _hurt_ her.

That shame would follow Connor for the rest of his life.

* * *

Evan was starting to get worried about Connor. He was uncharacteristically quiet, lost in his own head. He seemed very far away.

Evan reached out to touch Connors shoulder, and as he did, Connor jumped and shuffled away from Evan. Like he was afraid. And then he stood tall, puffed out his chest, put on that confident facade.

“Are you okay?” Evan asked.

“I'm fine,” Connor replied all too quickly. “Come on, follow me.” He said, starting on a sprint.

He ran across the field, toward a tree that stood taller than the rest. Evan started running, keeping up, just a few feet behind Connor the wind in his hair.

“What are we doing?” Evan yelled.

“We're going to climb the tree, can you imagine all of the colour you could see from up there, how different the world would look?”

Evan had to smile. Those words had never sounded so optimistic to him. The last time he had thought that, the last time he had claimed a tree… well, he'd broken his arm. But here and now, with Connor, maybe the world would look different. The was it was supposed to be.

Connor started climbing first, struggling a bit and then pulling himself up onto the lowest branch, which was about shoulder height for him. Once he had pulled himself two or three branches up, Evan started climbing, significantly faster, due to all of his practice, with no thought to his injury, other than a wince at the slight pain in his wrist.

They kept climbing, Connor starting to get the hang of it, Evan right behind him, grinning. Last time he had done this, he was so lonely, and now, with all the colours, and the presence of Connor, he knew he would never be lonely again. Not in the same way. Never again in that way.

They reached a point where the branches were only just holding their weight and the sun, high in the sky now, was shining on their faces. Evan could see all the way back to the town now, the orange and brown and grey of brick and concrete accented by the slight blue green tinge of the glass. All of the green in the world was visible from up here. There was the lake, a turquoise. Not quite blue, but not quite green, and a flock of birds growing closer, flying overhead, the sheen of colours reflecting off their feathers the most surreal thing he had ever seen. Well, maybe second to that first moment he had noticed Connor’s eyes were blue.

He looked over to Connor, who had a soft smile on his face looking over the town, and then looked to him and sort of grinned before going back to his more neutral, more normal expression. Evan wondered at that. Was Connor as scared of relating to him as Evan was of talking to Connor? Were they both just scared?

Even if that was the case, Evan might have just had the best comebacks from a panic attack in his whole life, and that was mostly to do with Connor. Who was so gentle when he wanted to be, and so hard, so unforgiving in everything else. Who had been so kind when they were in the car. Evan reached a hand out to cover Connor’s, hoping it was the right move, hoping that that wouldn't make him weird. He just really liked it when Connor had held his hand in the car. It made him feel safe and secure.

At the first skin to skin contact Connor flinched and looked over with this wild distrust in his eyes. Evan pulled his hand back, before Connor's eyes softened, and he reached out his hand with a small smile. Evan took his hand and they looked out over the place.

“It does look better from up here.” Evan said quietly.

“It does.”

There was another silence, and Evan could never tell the difference between a comfortable silence and an uncomfortable one. He wondered what Connor thought, how Connor felt. They barely knew each other, and now they were thirty feet up in a tree holding hands, never having talked before today. Hell, he didn't even know Connor's favourite colour. Well, it stands to reason that Connor might not have a favourite colour yet. They had only started seeing colour two, maybe three hours ago.

But Evan had a favourite colour. Blue. Like the sky, like Connor's eyes. The first colour he saw.

“My favourite colour is blue!” Slipped out of his mouth very suddenly.

Connor looked over to him confused. Evan felt he needed to explain himself.

“Well we don't know each other very well- that's what I was thinking about- and I- well I started thinking of icebreaker questions, and you know- I figure, we haven’t seen much in the way of colour, but I already- well you heard, I like blue.” He finally finished.

“Like your shirt?” Connor asked.

Evan looked down, finally noticing his own clothing. “Oh. So it is. No, more like your eyes-”

Evan cut himself off, blushing. “Never mind. I- what's your favourite so far?”

Connor looked out over the horizon. “Green, maybe. It's so fresh, and alive, you know?”

Evan nodded.

“Did you want to climb down now?” Connor asked. Evan nodded again.

Once Evan was on the ground, he rubbed his sore wrist. This was probably not what his doctor meant by ‘low stress activity’, but when your new soulmate wants to climb a tree, you don't disagree. Unfortunately Connor saw him doing this.

“Holy shit! Your wrist, I totally forgot about your broken wrist. Fuck, fuck, damn, fuck. Are you okay? Fuck. Are you hurt?”

“I'm fine- it's just a little sore-”

“I shouldn't have asked you to climb a tree, that's gotta be so bad for your wrist-”

“It's fine, I wanted to- really, I would have done it anyways-”

“I'm always ruining everything-”

Evan put his hands on Connor's shoulders. “I'm fine.”

“You're fine?”

“I'm fine. Don't beat yourself up- I really- I enjoyed it- the view- the colours- it was really great.”

They started walking back toward the entrance.

“Yeah, it really was great.”

“Yeah. I'm glad you did whatever you did to get Zoe not to come, that would have been awkward- I mean, I wouldn't have been able to talk all morning- it would have been so bad.”

“What do you mean you wouldn't have been able to talk if my sister was here?” Connor asked, sounding a little peeved now.

“Well, I just meant- well last year at the Jazz Band Concert, I wanted to talk to her, and tell her about how great she was with that guitar, but, well, but- sorry- I'm so awkward, I thought my hands were too sweaty, and then the words wouldn't start and-”

“Why did you want to talk to my sister so badly?” Connor definitely sounded angry now. “Do you have a crush on my sister, Hansen?”

Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, this was not what Evan had meant to do.

“No, I don't even- I mean- pfft no- who's- I don't even know- who's Chloe Smurphy? I don't- sorry- No.”

“Holy shit, oh my god. Even my _fucking soulmate_ likes my sister more than me. God, what is it about her, huh? Is it cos she's pretty? Or because she plays guitar so well? Is it that stupid thing she does where she draws on her jeans when she's bored? God, you must feel terrible getting stuck with me, huh? Her _psycho_ brother! You drew the short straw didn't you? Fuck! I can't believe this!”

And with that Connor ran off down the path, and Evan was sure he was going to leave him there all alone. And he would deserve it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'd better believe I For Forever-ed it. Also, I hope this characterisation is more in line with the characterisation I introduced in the first chapter.


	4. All We See is Light

Evan was wondering what he should do, what he could do. Connor had driven him here, still had his school bag in his car, and now he had left, trapping Evan at the old orchard. Who could he even ask to get him out of this situation? Maybe he'd have to walk the whole way home.

Evan continued walking, whosoever Evan chose to lay this burden on should want to collect him from the gate, not from inside the orchard. He settled on Jared. He would get teased for thinking he could go anywhere with the perceived school psycho. But as long as he got home, Evan could deal with that.

What surprised Evan wasn't that once he got to the gate Connor's car was idling in the same place Connor had parked it, the bass of some loud song echoing across the road. The driver's side window rolled down and the sound of ABBA’s Voulez-Vouz spilled out of the car.

“Get in.” Came Connors voice, flat and without the energy he had been displaying before. Evan wasn't about to argue, but got in tentatively. Why had Connor stayed after what Evan did?

Connor turned the music down, and there was a tense silence for a few minutes.

“I'm sorry.” Connor said suddenly and quietly. “I overreacted. I shouldn't have… you can like whoever you want. It's just… I thought I had someone just for me. But if you like Zoe… who the hell am I to tell you who to like?”

There was another silence.

“I don't think you're the short straw.” Evan said, and Connor looked up. “I didn't know you, couldn't have known you. And I thought- god I'm sorry- I thought I knew Zoe. Cos I'm a loser. I watch everyone, you know that kid in the Wallflower book- I'm that kind of loser, but worse, and I was like- ugh, infatuated with her, which was this weird like, manic pixie dream girl thing- which is a terrible trope made up by men for men, and it's such a gross trope, anyways, sorry, I didn't know her either. What I was trying to say back there is I was glad she didn't come along because I feel much more comfortable around you, and I wouldn't have been able to tell you about myself if she was there because I'd feel uncomfortable and sweaty. I don't deal well with unfamiliar people, I have social anxiety, it a whole thing, but what I'm trying to get at is that you're not unfamiliar. I don't have that problem with you. Not as badly. And… and I like it. And I'm sorry.”

Connor licked his lips like he was looking for something to say in response to that. Instead he put the car into drive and started off down the road. “Do you like ice cream? What's your favourite flavour? ” He asked.

“What? I don't have money on me right now, I-”

“Not what I asked. Do you like peanut butter ice cream?”

“Not especially, considering it could kill me.”

“See, we're getting to know each other. Now please answer this time, what is your favourite flavour?”

“Uhh… Mint Chocolate. It always tasted the way I imagined green would look.” He said.

A smile pulled at the edges of Connor’s lips. “That is an incredible description.”

“It's just so minty fresh, y’know?” He laughed. Connor laughed too.

“What's your favourite flavour?”

“Peanut Butter.”

“Of course.”

“There's this great place off this road that does ice cream, they do the best Peanut Butter ice cream there. I can't remember if they do Mint Chocolate. But I know I need to drown my sorrow in ice cream.”

Evan furrowed his brow. “I'm sorry, I really didn't mean-”

“You explained yourself fine, I just… feelings stick, you know, even if you understand that you misunderstood.”

Evan nodded. He did understand.

“So what is this place called?” He asked.

“A La Mode. My parents used to take us here on those picnics I told you about.”

Evan could see a building on the side of the road, that Connor nodded towards. “That's it.”

Evan nodded. It looked quaint, probably a family owned business. Evan wondered why it was so far out of the way of the town as Connor turned the car into the little cafe's little car park.

* * *

 

Connor parked the car and turned it off. He could tell that Evan was trying to keep his excitement and anxiety contained. Connor could tell that Evan was still tense over Connors freak out. Truth be told, so was he. It was always hard to recover from one of his ‘episodes’ as Zoe called them, but something in his brain had stopped him from leaving Evan at the orchard, had screamed at him to listen to his side of the story, or at least give the kid a ride back to town.

And now he was getting him ice cream. What a turn around.

They walked in, a respectable distance from each other, and Evan gasped, because there in front of him was a case filled with all of the colours there could be in the world. There couldn't be any more than were evident in the ice cream cabinet.

Connor chuckled at Evan’s excitement, a little taken aback himself at all of the colours.

“Connor! Look at all of them. Mint chocolate! It is green!”

“It is.” He agreed. “One scoop of chocolate mint and one scoop of Peanut Butter, separate cups please.” Connor said across the counter.

Evan seemed to be a ray of sunshine at the prospect of ice cream. Connor could see the underlying anxiety in his posture and in the way he fidgeted, but he could see that it was starting to drift away. He hoped his outburst didn't have lasting effects on their forming relationship.

Connor stood in silence as Evan inspected the case and the woman behind the counter served their ice cream with a knowing smile on her face. Evan was so obviously someone who had just met his soulmate, with his wonderment at colour, with that gorgeous, goofy smile and the light in his eyes.

Oh, Connor was so going to have a sexuality crisis when he got home. He had been sure that girls were his type. Not that he ever got a date. Or wanted a date. Or wanted to kiss any girls. Oh my god, he had never been straight had he?

Soon the cups of ice cream were passed across the counter in exchange for the cash in Connor’s pocket, he had been saving it for weed, but Zoe had pretty much forbidden him from smoking until he decided to tell his parents, and it wasn't like ten dollars give or take would make much difference. And the look of delight on Evan's face was worth it anyways.

“Come on,” He said. “We'll eat in the car.”

* * *

 

Evan followed Connor back to the car quietly nibbling on the ice cream he was guilty about not paying for, and got back into the passenger side of the car. Connor switched over discs to Queen’s Night at the Opera as Evans phone received a text.

 **Klienman. J:** hey, where are you? You haven't been in any classes?

 **Klienman. J:** Did Murphy finally recruit somebody else to his plan to shoot up the school? Alana says she saw you guys leave together.

 **Klienman. J:** Seriously concerned for your health and wellbeing here pal, the least you could do is text me back.

Evan sighed.

 **To Klienman. J:** I'm fine, I'll fill you in on details later.

 **Klienman. J:** Just let me know when not to come into school.

 **To Klienman. J:** The school shooter jokes are in very bad taste. Please stop with them. And don't ask me why, I'll fill you in later.

 **Klienman. J:** Fine, but you're an asshole.

Evan sighed again. “Jared knows we're together. Alana saw us leave, and if she told Jared of all people, she’ll have spread it over the entire school.”

“You don't want people to know you were with me?” Connor asked, knowing it was a loaded question,

“No, I figured you didn't want to be seen with me. I mean- well- I'm a-”

“Nerd?”

“I was gonna go with ‘a bit of a loser’ but nerd works too. I dunno, I just feel like we’re a weird fit. You know, you're- well you have a reputation-”

“As the school psycho-”

“Yeah, sorry, and well, you didn't want your parents to know yet, and now the entire school- I just thought you ought to know.”

Evan shut his mouth before he could let some half formed thought out like last time.

“I- Thanks. I guess we'll figure it out.”

There was silence and Connor started the car and pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road toward town. “Did you just want to go home?”

“Yeah, we have a few movies we could watch, and-”

“No offence, I've enjoyed spending time with you, but I need to go and think some things through, I'm certain you want to do that too. I just… I need to think.”

“Oh, sorry- I get it- I don't want to force you to-”

“No it's fine. I'll just drop you at home, we'll exchange numbers. I'll see you at school tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Sure.”

The town limits were in sight now, and only now did Evan notice that Connor was speeding. Whatever was going on in his head must really be taking over. Evan reached out a hand and placed it over Connor's hand on the steering wheel.

“We need to slow down.”

The cloud over Connor's eyes seemed to dissipate and car slowed to a regular speed. Evan dropped his hand to Connor's knee, hesitantly, but still placed it there and looked ahead. Connor's eyes widened minimally, and the corners of his mouth quirks up a little bit before he settles into a neutral expression.

Evan directed Connor all the way back to his house, small and embarrassing as it was, and they sat idle in the driveway.

“I need your number.” Connor said.

“What?”

“Your phone number.”

“Oh, oh yeah. Here, I have it saved into my phone. I can never remember it.”

Connor takes his number and shoots a text Evan’s way. “Now you have my number.”

Evan smiled. “Thanks. Have a nice day.”

“You know, Hansen, I think I will.” He replied, and pulled the car out of the driveway, and drove down the street and out of sight.

Evan tried hard to not do the cliché ‘watching after their love interest and sighing’ thing, but failed, and sighed after Connor. The day had turned out better than he could have possibly imagined.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today's going to be a good day, the best day to start the rest of your life. Because you met your soulmate, and what could be more of a symbol of hope than that._

_Sincerely Me._

* * *

 

Connor drove to the school to pick Zoe up, knowing full well she'd have a bitch attack and tell their mother about Connor's soulmate if he didn't. And Connor did not want that.

So Zoe swung her bag into the footwell and clambered into the car, hurriedly closing the door and buckling her seat belt. She turned to him with a grin. “I want all of the details.”

“I took my soulmate, who has a broken arm, to the orchard and made him climb a tree.”

“You what?”

“I nearly got my soulmate, who has a peanut allergy, Peanut Butter ice cream.”

“Bet that didn't go over well.”

“I freaked out at my soulmate, who has an anxiety disorder, because he has a crush on you.”

“What?!” She laughed. “Oh my god! You really fucked up on that one, didn't you?”

“Actually, it all worked out surprisingly well. I had a good day.”

Zoe smiled. “I'm glad… is this shirt really ugly?”

“God yes. Eye piercingly purple.”

“I will continue to wear it, just for that statement. I hope your eyes burn at the sight of this shirt.”

“Asshole.”

“Dickwad.”

They laughed. Connor suddenly realised that this was the first time in maybe years that he felt like he related to his sister, like maybe he was as happy as her. An realised that that was because Evan was now a beacon of hope for him. A sign that there was a future for him. And a sign that he would probably have to face up to the fact that he was probably gay. Maybe. There was a slight possibility. Maybe it would make it more real to say it out loud.

There was a prolonged silence.

“Also,” Connor started, “I think I'm gay.”

Zoe laughed, and Connor's heart sank.

“Buddy, me too.” She replied.

There could be nothing more validating than hearing that.

* * *

 

“Evan!” Came his mother's voice, breaking Evan from his trance of playing the day over and over again, over analyzing it, but still ending up overall happy with the outcome.

“I'm up here, mom!”

Heidi’s blonde halo of unruly hair rounded the doorway before she did, and Evan could see the worry on his mother's face start to fade.

“Thank god, I've been so worried about you! The school called me and told me you didn't go to class, are you okay? You know you should call me if you're having an off day. You should always let me know where you are.”

“I'm sorry mom, I-”

“And then Doctor Sherman called and said you didn't come in for your appointment-”

“I got sidetracked, mom-”

“I was so worried, I left my shift early to make sure I knew where you were. You weren't answering your phone.”

“I'm sorry, mom-”

“Was the day that bad, honey? I'm sorry that it was. What happened?”

“Actually mom, a good thing happened.”

Heidi smiled. The optimism she was always looking for her son to find was evident in his voice, in that small smile.

“I met my soulmate.”

Heidi jumped for joy. “Really!? Evan, that's wonderful!”

“Mom, there's so much colour.”

“Oh my goodness. You have to tell me all about her! What's her name?”

“Uhhh…”

* * *

 

“So Connor,” started Larry, when he got home, “I got a call from the school today, saying that you didn't go to class. Would you like to explain yourself young man?”

Larry’s tone of voice was the last and only straw for Connor.

“Well I got a call from the seventies, dad. They said that even they don't want that monstrosity of a blue and orange paisley tie back. They said you should burn it.”

“What kind of disrespect- _did you just say blue and orange?_ ”

Connor blanched as he realised he had outed himself, and ran upstairs to avoid the drama that was about to occur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	5. Waiting for the Answer

Evan felt frozen. He knew, logically that his mom didn't care, wouldn't care. But as comfortable as he was with being bisexual, he had never actually said it to anyone. There was an anxiety to coming out even when he knew it would be received well.

“W-well mom,” he started, hesitating for a moment. “Actually… um, _hisnameisConnor_.”

Heidi blinked. “Could you repeat that slowly, honey, I could barely understand you.”

“I said- I said actually, his name is Connor.”

“His name… oh sweetie, that's wonderful. You should invite him round for dinner some time, how about next Tuesday, we'll do a taco Tuesday. I'll bag my shift, it'll be great. You can invite some other friends if you want, and we can- honey what wrong?”

Tears had filled Evan’s eyes. Of course it didn't matter, she didn't care, she would love him anyway, but it felt so big, and there was nothing. No reaction, nothing. And it didn't make sense in his mind. There was supposed to be more, and the absence of more, meant that she was just angry on the inside. Wasn't letting him see it. But she was angry.

“I- I told you I was- that my soulmate is, and- and- and you didn't say anything? And it's confusing me, I'm sorry. It's nothing. I shouldn't have- I'm sorry.”

“Don't be sorry sweetheart. I thought mentioning it would be worse. You know I'm supportive of you no matter what. I love you. And I'm sure I'll love whoever you'll love.”

Evan nodded, but the tears kept falling. He was so tired, and so emotional, they just wouldn't stop. “I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm still crying.” He said.

  
His mom smiled and started wiping at his tears. “It's okay, sweetheart, you've had a really big day. You cry as long as you need to.”

“I don't even want to cry. He's so great, mom. He's so nice. But he's so broken. I don't know if I can fix him-”

“It's not your job to fix him, sweetie. We don't fix people. But we can support them, while they seek help themselves. You can stand beside him, hold his hand, but you don't fix him, you don't carry him, that's a sure fire way to ruin your own mental health.”

Evan chuckled, wiping at his wet face. “Like it could be ruined more.”

“It can be.” Heidi said, grabbing his hand. “And thinking you have to save him is exactly how you do that.”

Evan nodded.

“You don't have to save him. You just have to be there for him.”

* * *

 

Connor was on the roof, the big where he usually smoked. But this time he had nothing with him.

He really didn't want to talk about his soulmate. Because to do that, he would have to talk about Evan, and admit that his soulmate was a boy, and that he was super gay. And he knew Larry wasn't going to take that lying down. Larry had made it no secret what he thought of ‘the gays’. He thought they were unnatural. He thought it was disgusting, and that would mean that he would be even more disappointed in Connor. Would hate him even more. So Connor would sit on the roof forever if it meant that he could keep whatever remaining good favour he had in Larry's mind.

“Connor get down here, we have to have a talk.” Larry called from the window in Connor's room. “Connor, come down!”

“No!”

“We have to talk, you met your soulmate! Who is she? Is she pretty?”

“No!”

“She's not pretty?”

“No! That's not what I meant! I don't want to talk, dad! I don't want to talk about it.”

“Really son, we can talk about this, just come down from the roof, Connor! You could hurt yourself!”

“Like you ever cared if I hurt myself before! I'll bet now it's because I should be ‘selfless, for my soulmate!’ Newsflash, dad, I'm a human person, and humans are very, very selfish. I will selfishly throw myself off this roof if I want to.”

Connor wouldn't do that. Couldn't do that. He had promised Evan. But he could threaten Larry all he wanted. He looked out into the street to see kids in bikes who had just stopped to watch the drama unfold.

“Go home, kids! This isn't Stranger Things! Keep cycling!” He yelled out at them. They got back on their bikes, and rode off into the distance.

“Connor, is this weed?”

“Shit, dad, you can't just go through my stuff!”

“I can and I will, come down and I'll stop.”

“No, I won't. You get out of my drawers!”

“Hey, guys, I get that you're fighting, and all that jazz, but mom made butter chicken and it surprisingly good, and if you guys don't get down there soon I'm going to eat your servings.” Came Zoe's voices from her window.

Connor scrambled towards Zoe's window, catapulting himself through, and running down the hall and down the stairs. He could hear Larry right behind him whispering ‘shit, shit, shit, shit’ and Connor couldn't help but laugh.

He picked up his bowl and fork and looked over his shoulder to find Larry bent at the waist panting. Connor smiled and darted out the front door, knowing his father would not want to eat outside.

“What was all that about?” He heard his mother wonder from inside.

“He knows colours.” Larry said as Zoe sputtered “He met his soulmate.” Through a mouthful of food.

“Oh, I wonder who it is. You would know, wouldn't you, Zoe?”

“Mom, I have fifty dollars and A baggie of weed to keep me from telling you.”

“Where did you get weed, Zoe Paige Murphy?!”

“A little place called Nunya.”

“Nunya?”

“Nunya business.”

Connor couldn't help but laugh at his sister's droll sense of humour. He looked out into the night, knowing he couldn't keep Evan from his parents for long. If only he hadn't said anything, his dad wouldn't have known and he could have carried on as normal for a good long time.

Now his mother would surely insist on dinner within the week.

* * *

 **Ev, 11:49pm:** Hey, my mom is suggesting dinner next Tuesday. She suggested, to make it less awkward, that I bring friends?? Please help.

 **Murphy. C, 11:50pm:** What do you need help with? V confused.

 **Ev, 11:50pm:** I only have two friends, I have you and Jared, well, if you don't want to be friends, or if you don't feel close enough to be called friends- The point is, my mom is gonna be disappointed if I bring two people home. Thrilled that there are at least two people I talk to, but disappointed. She's gonna think I'm not trying.

 **Murphy. C, 11:52pm:** This is the saddest fucking thing I've ever been texted about. Ask Alana. She'll be thrilled to be invited anywhere and parents love her. She's so clean cut. Plus she has all those ice breakers memorised, so there won't be any awkward silences.

 **Ev, 11:52pm:** Good thinking.

 **Murphy. C, 11:53pm:** I'll bring my sister.

 **Ev, 11:55pm:** Why?

 **Murphy. C, 11:56pm:** Because if I don't involve her somehow she'll throw a fit and tell my parents. Also, my parents want to meet you.

 **Ev, 11:56pm:** I thought you were keeping your soulmated-ness a secret??

 **Murphy. C, 11:58pm:** My incredible sense of humour came back to bite me.

 **Ev, 11:58pm:** ????

 **Murphy. C, 11:59pm:** I insulted my dad's tie. To be fair, it was a heinous tie. I think the person who made it was colour blind, and had never met their soulmate. A disgusting combination of orange and blue.

 **Ev, 11:59pm:** You have really bad impulse control.

 **Murphy. C, 12:00am:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Murphy. C, 12:01am:** Anyway, my mom is inviting you over tomorrow.

 **Murphy. C, 12:03am:** They don't know you're you.

 **Murphy. C, 12:03am:** Like, a guy.

 **Murphy. C, 12:09am:** Are you freaking out right now?

 **Murphy. C, 12:11am:** You there?

 **Ev, 12:15am:** Meeting the parents isn't something I've ever done. And you just told me that I'm gonna be a shock. I might be freaking out a little.

 **Murphy. C, 12:17am:** Fair.

 **Ev, 12:30am:** I may have understated how much I'm freaking out. Apparently I was breathing so loudly that my mother was concerned for me.

 **Murphy. C, 12:33am:** I shouldn't have said anything, you're not gonna get any sleep now, are you?

 **Ev, 12:33am:** Probably not.

**Incoming Call from Murphy. C at 12:35am**

“Connor?” Evan answered blearily.

“What are you worried about?” Connor asked. There was the sound of wind blowing into the receiver.

“Well now I'm worried that you're outside right now. Where are you?”

“Doesn't matter. What are you worried about?”

“Um, well, if your parents don't know I'm, you know, a guy- are they, will they freak out about that? I don't- I don't like confrontation, and I don't want you to get into trouble, and I don't want to be yelled at, oh my god-”

“Alright, don't break yourself.” Connor interrupted. “Look, my dad isn't the most accepting guy, but my mum will not let him make a scene in front of guests. She's too involved in the image the family is putting out there. She'll just be happy I have someone that wants to talk to me. Does that help at all?”

“Kind of.”

“You're such a people pleaser, Hansen.” Connor laughed.

“I'm sorry, I-”

“It's not a bad thing. Just different for me.”

“Why did you call?”

“To talk you through your anxiety, of course. You need to sleep or I won't see you at school tomorrow. If I have no one that'll suck. Plus, I don't want you in a constant state of anxiety.”

“Why, cos I'll throw you off your chill attitude-”

“No, because I can feel your heart fucking racing in my chest, Hansen! It's pretty upsetting, and I don't want you to be upset, because that's just shit.”

“You can feel my heartbeat?”

“Yeah, can't you feel mine? Is this not normal?”

“ I don't know, I'll google it. But I definitely can't feel your heartbeat.”

There was a pause.

“Yep, okay. It's cos my brain thinks I'm in danger. The whole anxiety thing, and whatever. It's like an early warning system for you. That way you know I'm in danger and have time to stop it.”

“That'll be helpful. Now I'll know whenever you're having a panic attack.” Said Connor sarcastically. “Jesus, I've been feeling this all fucking day, do you always think you're in danger? Is this what life is like for you?” He asked.

Another pause.

“Evan I'm not angry at you, or upset with you, don't freak out.”

“I-I-I-”

“Jesus. Okay, open your window, I'm at your house. I'm coming up.”

“What?”

* * *

 

Evan opened his window and looked down to find Connor climbing the drainpipe of his house.

“Connor, what the hell?” He whispered.

“Move, I need to get through your window.”

“What are you doing here?” Evan whispered, as Connor threw a leg through the open window and then swung around into Evan’s room.

“Helping you out. You're not gonna sleep without help I can tell.”

Connor laid down in Evan's single bed and patted the spot next to him.

“Come on.”

Evan furrowed his brow and sat in the spot Connor gestured to. Connor groaned and sat up and wrapped his arms around Evan, resting his head on the younger boys back. There was a sudden sense of calm that overwhelmed Evan. Nothing like anything he had ever experienced.

His eyelids felt heavy, and his thoughts which had been racing before felt like they were moving as slowly as molasses. “Woah.”

There was a chuckle, a short puff of warm breath on Evans back and “Yeah.”

Evan reached up with his good arm and took one of Connor's hands where it rested balled in Evan’s pyjama shirt.

“Is this how the world moves for you?”

“No, not at all. This is different.”

Evan chuckled, basking in the calm. He turned and buried his face in Connor's shoulder. Connor readjusted, just as content to stay this way. Evan was just about in his lap, not that Connor was complaining, but it was so odd, the way they had become so comfortable with each other when they had never talked before this morning. Well, now yesterday. But it was still less than 24 hours ago. It was surreal.

It had to be the bond. Only the bond. But what was comforting was that it wouldn't always just be the bond, it would be them one day. And Connor smiled. And he couldn't stop smiling as he looked at the blond who might just have fallen asleep on his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally this was going to include a dinner at the Murphy's house, but I got carried away. Whoops. Enjoy, y'all.
> 
> PS: half the reason this chapter is late is because it's so hard to format on an iPad.


	6. Words Fail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here be angst.

This was it. Dinner with Connor’s parents. His one chance to make a good first impression. But he couldn't be making a good impression, because they had no ideas he was… him. Evan, a boy. A very broken boy. How could they like him?

Evan sighed, hesitated, and knocked on the door. He had flowers clutched in his cast encased hand to hand to Connor's mother on his way in. He would say they had a beautiful home. He would listen to anything Cynthia said, nod at what Larry said. Just nod, smile, and agree. He would get through this.

The door opened to the beaming face of Cynthia Murphy. He watched every emotion he had thought he would see flicker across her face. From happiness to confusion to shock to anger and back to a happy face, this time significantly less real.

“H-hello Mrs Murphy. I'm Evan. I'm- I'm- I'm Connor's-”

“Connor's soulmate, yes come in.”

“These are for you.” He handed her the flowers.

“Thank you, Evan.”

Maybe it was his imagination, but he thought she maybe said his name a little loudly, like she was trying to signal to the rest of the house who he was. He could feel the blush rising in his cheeks and the anxiety rising in his lungs.

And then Connor was at the top of the stairs, grinning. And the anxiety was gone. And there was a smile on his face, a real one. Connor raced down the stairs and and pulled Evan into a hug. Since the night Connor had snuck into his home, he had been more and more willing, even excited to touch. And Evan couldn't help but feel the same. Any touch could bring a bit of that blessed calm. Evan felt soothed, more confident, honestly felt like he could make it through this dinner.

He pulled back grinning, and he could see over Connor's shoulder that Cynthia looked mildly uncomfortable, and Larry looked downright upset. Evan coughed and pulled back, arms by his side. Was his top too bunched up? He pulled it down and started to play with the edges of his cast.

“Mom, dad, this is Evan Hansen. My soulmate.” Connor said with confidence in his voice, wrapping an arm around Evan's shoulders. Evan could see the fear in Connor's eyes and could feel the weight he was putting on Evan's shoulders. Connor was just as scared as him. Maybe more, if the double heartbeat in his chest was any indication. But his smile stayed in place.

“You have a lovely home.” Evan blurted out. He had only seen the entry, but the words left his mouth before he had time to reconsider.

“Thank you, Evan. Why don't you come into the dining room, and tell us a little about yourself?” Cynthia suggested. Larry stayed stony faced.

“Sure.”

“Do you want something to drink, Evan?”

“Um, some water maybe.”

“Connor.” Came Larry’s voice, as stern as he looked. “A word in private, please.”

Evan watched the smile drop from Connor's face as his arm dropped from Evan's shoulders. Evan grabbed his hand and squeezed reassuringly, though Evan had no idea how this was going to go.

Larry put a firm hand on Connor's back and walked him up the stairs and out of sight.

“Now, Evan, come with me, tell me all about yourself.”

Evan walked with Cynthia through to the dining room where she poured him a glass of water. Evan took a sip before looking up.

“Well I'm a senior at Ellison High School.”

“Do you have any classes with Connor?” Cynthia asked cheerfully.

Evan heard stomping from upstairs.

“Um, English and Math. We have a free line together.”

“How lovely. Do you have any hobbies?”

Indistinct yelling from upstairs. The double heartbeat in his chest got faster.

“I, uh, I hike. I'm a bit of an amateur botanist.” Evan knew he was overstating things, but he needed to block out the thoughts of what might be going on upstairs.

“Botany, that's interesting.”

“Yes. I, I really like trees.” He said.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

A pause. The sound of Larry’s booming voice from upstairs. Nothing from Connor. Evan couldn't block out the fear.

“How did you break your arm, Evan?”

“I was, uh, an apprentice park ranger for Ellison State Park in the summer, and I, well I fell out of a tree on the job.”

“You fell out of a tree?”

“Yes. Onto my arm. There was a solid ten minutes where I was lying on the ground, just uh, waiting for someone to come and find me, just lying there, like ‘any second now-’ and uh, no one came.”

“Oh. How awful.”

Evan knew he was shaking. And he thought that if this was how he felt down here, how could Connor be feeling upstairs? In the conflict.

All of a sudden there was a crash, and Cynthia flinched, and looked down ashamed. Evan jumped up, and for a moment hesitated before running to the front hall and getting halfway up the stairs before he saw Connor. He looked so angry and so hurt. There were tears running down his face and his nose was running.

“Connor-”

“Come on, Evan, we're not wanted. My dad has made that abundantly clear.”

Connor grabbed his hand, and Evan squeezed back. Connor pulled him through the front door and to his car.

Evan climbed in the passenger seat, very concerned for Connor, who was madly readying the car to go.

“Connor, I-”

“Please be quiet, I just want it to be quiet, please.” There was a tone in Connor's voice that seemed to be begging. Fresh tears were still making their way down his cheeks, and he wiped his nose on his jacket. Connor started the car and pulled quickly, too quickly in Evan's opinion out of the driveway and down the road.

The car was going too fast, everything was going too fast, and Connor was still crying, still sobbing. Evan bit his lip to keep from talking, but Connor kept drifting. Kept driving much too fast. Taking corners too fast, too recklessly. Evan still had no idea where they were going.

“Connor.”

“Please, I asked you to stop.”

“Connor please, you're-”

“Evan please shut up!”

“Connor slow down!” Evan shouted as they got much too close to a lane divider.

Connor gasped, swerved and pulled over. He stopped and the two boys were left gasping.

The night was dark, and closing in around them, and Connor sobbed.

Evan reached out to Connor’s shoulder, and Connor flinched.

“God! Why can't he just butt out!” Connor yelled. “Fuck! He can't just let me be happy! Can't let me have something, anything! I just want to be happy, Evan. Why won't he let me be happy?!” Connor slumped forward over the steering wheel, hitting his head on it.”

“I'm sorry.” Was the only thing Evan could think to say.

“It's not your fault.”

“I know.”

“So why are you apologising?”

“Because you feel bad, and I don't want you to ever feel bad.”

“Why can't he be happy for me?” Connor whimpered.

“I don't know.”

“I just want him to love me, Evan.”

Evan pulled Connor into a hug, and he felt Connor’s heaving, sobbing breaths against him. “Why doesn't he love me?”

Evan couldn't stop his own tears then.

* * *

They stayed stopped there for a good long while, Connor sobbing, Evan sniffing, hugging him, apologising for god knows what. When Connor had stifled his tears for long enough to drive they went to Evans house to find Heidi was actually at home.

She opened the door and found Evan, upset, but in the best shape of the two, and Connor still sniffling, tears still running, eyes red. Then and there she swore she didn't care what this kid was like, she would defend him to her dying breath. She took him into her arms and rocked side to side. She saw Evan smile bittersweetly in her peripheral, and felt Connor shake in her arms.

Yep. This kid was never going to be upset again if she could help it. She stepped back, and took his face in her hands. “You're safe here. Let's go get you some water.”

He sniffled and forced a small smile and took the hand she offered to him, and let her lead him to the kitchen.

* * *

Connor was sipping on his water quietly in the corner. His tears had all dried up, but there was still this look of grief and desperation on his face.

“What happened?” Heidi asked Evan.

“I arrived and they, well they were shocked and- His dad took him upstairs. I didn't see or hear any specifics, but there was a lot of yelling. He thinks his dad doesn't love him, mom, and I don't think he's far off.”

Heidi's face hardened, and she stalked over to the landline, searching through the directory, for a number.

“Mom-”

“Hush, Evan sweetheart, I've got to take care of something. Take Connor upstairs and find him some pyjamas.” Heidi cut him off punching in numbers and holding the receiver up to her ear.

Evan went and took Connor's hand and lead him upstairs. Faintly, he heard his mother.

“Yes, hello Cynthia, this is Heidi Hansen, and I'm just calling to ask if your husband is there, I'd like to have some words with him.”

Evan was going to have a bad time finding pyjamas that would fit Connor. Who had been silent since getting out of the car. Evan was so worried for him.

“I'm not sure any of my clothes will fit you.”

Connor nodded vaguely.

“Cos you're so tall.”

Connor nodded again.

“Please say something. I'm so worried about you.”

“I-” Connor's voice broke and tears came to his eyes again. He sat on Evan's bed, and Evan found himself on his knees in front of Connor, wiping away the tears.

“You don't need him. I'm gonna, I'm gonna make it right. I'll be here, even if he's not. I'll be here.”

“I don't understand. I don't get it!” Connor yelled. The dam broke and words came spilling out of him. “I'm so goddamn broken, and it's like he never saw it, like he never saw the worth in fixing me! I don't wanna be broken! I want him to love me, Evan! Isn't that what parents are supposed to do? Love their kids unconditionally? God, I wish I had that, I wish somebody loved me! But no one does, and- and- and- god! I wish I were dead!”

“No you don't. You don't wish you were dead.”

“You're right, I wish I was never born. I bet he thinks the same.”

“I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here with me.”

“Why? I nearly drove you into a fucking lane divider earlier! I nearly killed you. I'm nothing but a good for nothing stoner who should have offed himself two years ago.”

“Don't say that.”

“Why not? It's true!”

“It's not, don't say that.”

Evan lurched forward and kissed Connor. He was shocked at his own bravery, but stuck to the path he had chosen.

* * *

Connor was shocked at how quickly things had changed from him screaming that he'd rather be dead to Evan kissing him. Kissing him! His lips were soft and warm, and there was a strange familiarity to this that Connor couldn't place. He melted into the kiss, and then pulled back.

Evan didn't want him like that. Evan just wanted him to shut up. Evan probably wanted him to go away, after all he'd been crying for the better part of two hours.

He could hear Heidi downstairs, yelling at one of his parents. These people were going out of their way to help him, and how was he repaying them? Screaming, crying, throwing a fit. He was fucking pathetic.

Evan looked up to him confused, trembling a little bit. He licked his lips nervously. Connor tried to speak, but he didn't know what to say.

“I'm sorry.” Whispered Evan. “I'm sorry, you're upset, you're vulnerable, this isn't the time, or the place, I just, you mean a lot to me and-”

And it was Connor's turn to cut Evan off, kissing him. Selfishly, so goddamn selfishly. Evan didn't want him to kiss him, Connor knew. But Connor wanted to feel something. Needed to feel loved. By Evan. He needed to know that Evan wanted him, even if he didn't. He wanted a pretty lie to make himself feel better, how fucking disgusting was he? But he couldn't stop. Wouldn't stop. He needed this, and Evan didn't seem to be vocally complaining.

What was he doing?

Connor broke away and was lost for words. Evan leaned forward, as if he was following Connor's lips, like he wanted more. But Connor knew that couldn't be true. Who would want him. He was disgusting. A disgrace. A blight on their family's name. Good for nothing. Lazy. Arrogant. Ungrateful. A burden.

There was silence all around them.

“Let's get you something to sleep in.” Evan said.

Connor just nodded.

* * *

Heidi had ordered pizza when she was done berating Connor's parents, and telling them that Connor would be staying there for the time being until they could act like real parents.

Connor had stayed silent since kissing him, and Evan thought maybe he regretted it. Evan didn't regret it. He regretted that it wasn't in better circumstances. That Connor had been upset. But he didn't regret kissing Connor. It was all he could think about now.

But Connor still hadn't said a word. And if Connor regretted it, that would make Evan wrong, right? His enjoyment of the experience would be wrong. Bad. Exploitative. He had taken advantage. And he felt terrible about it. He just wanted Connor to know that he wasn't alone. That someone valued him. But he didn't have the words. Why could he never find the words? It would stop him from doing stupid shit like this.

Dinner was silent, all of them with no idea what to say, what to do. How to help.

Connor wanted to go to bed right after, and Evan followed him up though he was sure Connor wanted to be left alone. Surely.

But Connor pulled him into the bed with him, and shuffled close, wrapping his arms around Evan, searching for that calm, the feeling that made him feel that maybe everything wasn't as broken as it seemed. The feeling he found in Evan's arms. Evan held Connor close, not knowing what else to do. Connor shuffled down so he could lean his face against Evan's chest, and Evan buried his face in Connor's hair. They clung to each other like life rafts, like the other was the only thing keeping them afloat.

They fell asleep that way, broken-hearted, but hopeful. Hopeful that maybe tomorrow would be better.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I hate happiness. 
> 
> Also, two chapters in one day!


	7. Optimistic Outlook

“Mom, please don't be embarrassing. This is the first time Alana or Zoe will be here, so don't make a fuss, please. Don't be weird.”

“I'm not weird.” Heidi replied. “I'm a cool mom.”

Evan groaned.

A week had passed since Connor had started living in the Hansen household. He had been much more subdued since arriving. Things had got better when Zoe had given him a duffel bag full of his clothes at school, but Connor still seemed very withdrawn.

Like his mom had told him, all he could do was stand beside Connor, hold his hand, and comfort him. But it was somewhat awkward to wake up next to him every day. First of all, the bed was very small, and as a result, they got very close. But they still don't know each other very well, and that was the other problem. They would wake up very close to each other and there was an awkwardness to the situation that they couldn't shake, even as they tried to get closer to each other emotionally.

Evan wouldn't make Connor sleep on the couch, and Connor wouldn't let Evan leave his own bed. So they would sleep in the single bed. And, sure, once they were half-asleep, and hazy-eyed, Evan didn't think about how he could ever feel that way around Connor, could ever feel like he didn't quite belong. It was better when they were half-asleep, when it was just them and the dark and their heartbeats.

Evan gets up before Connor every morning, so that he doesn't have to break that by waiting for Connor to meet his eyes, and let the awkwardness, the vulnerability wash over them again.

Of course, to have friends around for Taco Tuesday, Evan had had to explain the situation to them.

(Not Zoe, though, because she already knew.)

(And not Alana, either. She knew, too. Somehow. Evan didn't want to ask how.)

So, really, it was just Jared.

And Evan never wanted to do that, again.

* * *

 

**eh has entered the chatroom on 9/10/16**

**eh:** I said I was gonna fill you out on details.

 **insanely cool:** five days ago.

 **eh:** well I'm here to do that now.

 **insanely cool** : I wanted details five days ago.

 **eh:** sorry.

 **insanely cool:** you left school without going to any class. You left with Connor Murphy. I want an explanation.

 **eh:** it's complicated, it'll take a while.

 **insanely cool:** ur not Avril Lavigne, what happened

 **eh:** you know how you called Connor a freak?

 **insanely cool:** what does this have to do with anything

 **eh:** you walked away, and I made a noise right? And he pushed me

 **insanely cool:** once again, what does this have to do with anything?

 **eh:** he pushed me, right, and I could see colour

 **insanely cool:** …

**Incoming Call from Kleinman. J**

Evan picked up the phone.

“ _What!_ ” He immediately flinched at the volume of Jared’s voice through the phone. “What the fuck? Connor Murphy is your soulmate? How did it take you this long to tell me?!”

“Sorry.” Evan had said.

“Is that why you're _defending_ him all of a sudden?” Jared’s tone was almost scandalised.

“You should get to know him.” Evan replied. “He's really not as bad as you think he is.”

“He threw a printer-”

“We all have issues, Jared.” He cut Jared off before he could go on. He’d heard it all before. “If you could face your own problems, you might be more open to accepting other’s problems.”

“Um, yikes. Calm down, Hansen.”

“Look, I'm not in a great place.”

“I get that. You got Connor Murphy-”

“Just don't, okay.” Evan’s voice was hard.

“What's your problem?” Jared's voice turned forceful, almost angry.

“Look you can't talk about this with anyone, okay?” He said, running a hand through his hair nervously.

“Yeah,” Jared huffed, “whatever.”

“Connor got thrown out of his house last night.” Evan stated, bluntly.

“Because-”

“Because of me, yeah.” He winced at that. He hadn't actually thought of that before. Evan grimaced. “Guess his dad isn't as accepting as my mom.”

“ _Jesus_.”

“Jared, you're Jewish.”

“So? It’s not blasphemy.” Jared was almost laughing, there. Evan was glad, because it was like things had almost returned to normal. Except that he was laughing with Evan, now, rather than at him.

“Anyways, my mom wants to have a proper dinner on Tuesday. Tacos. Did you want to come?” Evan tapped his foot, anxiously. It barely made a sound on the carpet.

“Will your mom make cookies?” Ah, of course. Jared’s ever-present love of his mother, and her baking skills.

Evan shrugged. “Probably.”

“Good.” Jared’s tone turned final, as if expecting the end of the call. “Heidi's cookies are incredible. I'm in. Will anybody else be there?”

“Connor, Zoe, and Alana.” Evan listed off.

“You have an entire two other friends?”

“I'd more call them ‘acquaintances’.” Jared could hear Evan’s smile down the phone as he quoted Alana almost word for word.

“Sure. I'll be there.”

“Thanks.”

“How's Connor dealing?”

“Not well. He didn't go to school today. So I stayed home with him.”

There was a pause.

“That's pretty shitty. Does his dad realise he doesn't get to choose his soulmate?”

“Obviously not. It's just…”

“Shitty.”

“Yeah.”

“Look, I get it, he's not in a great place, and neither are you, so…” Jared sighed. “So. I'm sorry. I'll be there.”

“Okay,” Evan replied, leaning against a wall. “See you, then?”

“Yeah.”

And Evan went back to Connor’s side.

* * *

 

“Look mom, just please don't refer to yourself as a cool mum when they're here.” Evan replied.

“I can't promise anything Evan, but I'll try.”

Connor stood by Heidi, chopping tomatoes. He had insisted that he would help with food preparation, given they were letting him stay with them for nothing. Heidi had tried to tell him that they needed no repayment, but Connor wouldn't take no for an answer. So he was helping. Evan was setting places, Heidi was at the stove, the oven was on, baking the cookies Jared was so keen on.

He was sure that Connor could feel his anxiety echoed in himself. He had never had so many people over at his house, and the very thought was overwhelming. If he could so consciously feel his heartbeat, surely-

“Evan, please breathe, that's very distracting.” Came Connors voice, monotonously.

He nodded vaguely, and tried to inhale through his nose and exhale through his mouth at a regular pace. He had almost succeeded in regulating his heart rate when there was a knock at the door. And his focus exploded, and he was a bundle of nerves again. Heidi left to go answer the door and Evan closed his eyes. The less stimuli the better. And there there was a cool hand grasping his and a hand on his face. He opened his eyes and Connor was there, looking concerned. Evan gave a weak smile and Connor squeezed his hand.

“It's gonna be alright. All of these people know you, and you know them.”

Evan nodded.

“Well that's cute.” Came Jared's voice.

Connors face almost immediately lost all of the softness it had held before.

Evan turned to face Jared, standing in the doorway of the kitchen, as Heidi bustled back into the kitchen, humming something under her breath. At least she was enjoying herself. Evan was honestly not ready for this shitshow.

“So.” Jared began, surveying the two, before locking his eyes on their intertwined hands.

“Hi, Jared.” Connor’s voice was strained in an obvious attempt to sound pleasant. It wasn't very convincing. Jared looked back up.

“Hi, Connor. Evan.” There was a silence. Jared breathed in through his nose, and gave them a half smile. “So. What colour’s my shirt? And does it match my shorts?”

Evan was a little taken aback for a moment there, and then he turned to see Connor’s reaction. A little less pissed off than before. Mildly surprised, vaguely amused.

“Am I clashing? Honestly, I don't know if look good, or like a circus clown.”

“Uh…”

“I'm sure pink and blue is a good combination somewhere.” Connor replies, abruptly.

“Not good then? Darn.”

“Nope.” He was actually kind of smiling now and Evan didn't feel like his chest was about to explode anymore. “I, however, look magnificent.”

Heidi walked out of the room, down the hall towards the laundry. Evan knew it was to give them some semblance of privacy, because there was no reason for her to go to the laundry room, while in the middle of making dinner.

“So, hey, uh, Connor,” Jared started, sounding more like Evan than himself with all of the fear audible in his voice, “I'm really sorry for calling you a freak, freak.” Yet here was a hint of humour in Jared's tone, but his hesitation betrayed him.

There was a smile on Connor's face now, not just a hint of one. Evan was frozen. And Connor burst into laughter.

“Apology accepted, nerd.”

The two laughed and Evan came unfrozen, but was hesitant to declare their relationship fixed. Connor let go of Evan's hand; Evan hadn't even noticed he was still holding it; and went back to cutting tomatoes. Heidi came back in looking content and tended to the stove.

“Do you want a drink, Jared?”

“Yeah, water will be fine.”

Evan nodded and went to collect a cup when there was another knock on the door. Heidi looked at him expectantly, a comforting smile on her face. Evan inhaled, exhaled, and walked up the hall to open the door.

And there was Zoe and Alana, about to shake hands, greeting each other.

“Hi.” Evan was much too loud, both girls jumped back, looking vaguely shocked at the volume Evan had used. “Sorry,” he compensated by whispering, his confidence fading. “Come in.”

Zoe smiled at him tightly as she walked past him, and Alana did the same.

Evan closed the door behind them, and lead them to the kitchen. Heidi greeted them, and supplied everyone with drinks.

“Thank you so much, Mrs Hansen, it was lovely of you to invite us into your home. Evan is one of my closest acquaintances.” Alana gushed. Anyone who knew her rolled her eyes, but Evan couldn't find it in himself to do so. He stayed in the corner, silent, observing. Connor was still smiling, looking over at Zoe, who was staring at Alana. Who was still talking.

“... we did a book report in eighth grade, about the Harry Potter series, Evan had some great insight-”

“I'm sorry to interrupt Alana, but dinner is ready.” Heidi said. Evan snapped out of his wallflower stance, and started helping his mom carry things to the table.

Once everyone was seated, Evan felt his anxiety flare up. This was exactly what he had feared. What were they going to talk about? They had nothing in common. This was the worst idea. Connor looked over to him from across the table and gave a weak smile. He knew. Evan must be really freaking out. He really didn't know, he had no point of reference.

“I'm actually kind of relieved.” Zoe says, loading beef into a tortilla. “Mom hasn't let us have tacos in ages.”

Heidi looks aghast.

“Why on earth won't your mother let you eat tacos?” Heidi was sure now that their parents were evil in a way that she hadn't even thought about yet.

“Well, I guess we could now, it's just my mom as buddhist last year, so we didn't eat animal products, and cheese and meat are a little to animal for that.”

Connor laughed. “Mom is into a new thing every couple of months. Yoga.”

“Pilates.” Zoe chimed in.

“The Secret.”

“Wine.”

“Romance novels.”

“Veganism, for like 0.5 hours.”

“Scrapbooking.”

“The X Files.”

“Our dad.”

Zoe's eyes widened and she kicked out at Connors leg, only succeeding in getting Alana hard in the shin. Evan jumped.

“Ow!”

“Sorry.”

Zoe reached for the lettuce, and then paused. Alana was staring at her like the whole world was about to end and Zoe was the only thing she wanted to save.

The whole table saw the change. Zoe dropped her meager handful of lettuce on the table.

“Zo, you okay?” Asked Connor, looking very concerned, maybe the most alive since Larry had unofficially told him he wasn't welcome in his own house.

She mumbled something indistinct.

“Zo?”

“It's green.”

“What?”

“There's colour.”

Everybody looked to Alana. Who was still staring at Zoe. More specifically at Zoe's shirt.

“I can't believe this! Am I the only person here who can't see colour?” Exclaimed Jared.

Heidi waved from the other end of the table.

“Is-” Alana began. “Is that-”

“Purple.” Connor confirmed. He seemed a bit more relaxed knowing his sister wasn't in danger, but there was something in his eyes that made Evan think he would need to talk to him. He looked disappointed, maybe, sad.

The two girls looked around taking in the colours they could see. Evan was still adjusting himself, but it was so interesting to see this happening from the other side. Both girls got stuck on Jared, who's outfit was awful as Connor had told him before.

“Is it really that bad?” Jared asked. All four of them nodded. He sighed and committed himself to his taco.

The girls looked back to each other and grinned.

“Hey Connor,” Zoe said, “guess who's dyeing their hair when they get home?”

Connor managed a meek laugh. “That'll piss Larry off.”

Connor was picking at his food, not really eating, not making eye contact. Evan could feel his heartbeat. Evan knew what he was thinking. Larry didn't take well to his first kid having a soulmate of the same gender. There was no way that this would end well as far as Zoe's standing with their parents. Evan felt his heart sink to his stomach.

He was just glad that Zoe could appreciate the happiness before she had to go home to her parents.

* * *

 

Everyone was gone, and Connor hadn't eaten a thing. Evan had watched him all night. The facade he put up was good, but he hadn't really engaged in conversation since before Zoe and Alana touched.

And his heartbeat hadn't faded. He was scared for his sister.

“Connor?” Evan called.

Connor startled out of his train of thought, and looked up at Evan.

“You okay?” He asked, knowing the answer already. But he needed to hear it from Connor.

Connor tried to talk, but nothing came out of his mouth. It was like his voice box had slipped out of gear, and he couldn't get it out of neutral.

Evan sighed. “I know what you're thinking, but Zoe is smart. If she tells anyone in the house about it, it'll be your mum, and I have no doubt she won't let anything slip. Not after what happened to you. And if she does get thrown out, she can come here. I'll take the couch.”

“She'll take the couch.” Connor replied. He inhaled and licked his lips nervously. “Thank you. You guys have done so much, and you're offering to do so much for my sister as well. And I'm not giving anything back-”

“The spooning is really something, I think it counts as payment-” Evan had no idea why that had slipped out of his mouth, but all of a sudden Connor's face had lit up and he was laughing.

“Glad to know that, Hansen." Connor composed himself, and looked Evan in the eye. "All the same, I wish I had a way to adequately repay you.”

“You don't have to.”

“I don't want to be a charity case-”

“In case you hadn't noticed, my mom loves you, she's pretty much adopted you. I think she would cry if she got word that you were leaving. You're not a charity case, you're here because we want you here.” Evan sat down on the couch next to Connor.

Connor leant into him and took his hand.

“Thanks.”

Evan squeezed Connor’s hand. “You're welcome.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to @nosecoffee who got me through this chapter when I got stuck. She's a true friend, and a great writer, if you haven't already, check out her fic. She's prolific.


	8. Gave You the World

Zoe hadn't been kicked out. She told them at school (with recently bleached and coloured hair; a turquoise that she said reminded her of Alana for some reason, and then she had blushed.) that she hadn't told anyone at home. Nobody knew. Two weeks after meeting her soulmate the only people who knew she had a soulmate were those who had been there when they had realised.

So Connor got a lot calmer. He was still tense. At any moment his parents could discover it, and she could be on the street. Needless to say, with the stress of the situation; his own and Zoe's hypothetical situation; his mental health was steadily declining. With the lack of sleep from being cramped up in a single bed and the added stressors of going to school, he was finding himself angry and sad, and god forbid, suicidal again.

And he couldn't tell Evan. Evan who was so happy, who was handling all of this so brilliantly, who was so careful to make sure he was happy. If he told him ‘hey, I still want to die sometimes, and then I feel guilty and angry, because I shouldn't think that for you’ Evan would break down. Everything made Evan a mess, and knowing Connor was still so sad would send him off the deep end right into panic attack mode, and Connor didn't want that.

So when Connor thinks he's got calmer, says he's got calmer, acts like he's calmer, he feels like a fucking liar, because it feels like there's a fire in his lungs that he can't put out and at any moment those flames would engulf him. Make him worse than before. Make him angrier, more volatile. And that's when he feels the worst.

Because he never means the things he says when he's like that. He never means to hurt the people he does when he's like that. And when it's all said and done, he just wants to die because less people would be hurting if it weren't for him.

Connor is a textbook bottler. He puts all of his feelings away in a little bottle, and at first it's manageable, but then it's keeps getting fuller and fuller and fuller, until it's overflowing and he's saying the most vile things to the people he loves, and he can't stop it, he can't put a filter on it, it just happens.

And he felt close to overflowing, and he stopped talking because at any time he could start spewing the most hateful words at Evan who had done nothing wrong, done everything right. Or at his mother, Heidi who had been so welcoming, so accepting, taking him in without a word.

Connor was so goddamned scared of his own brain, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

One more essay on top of all of the other homework, and he was screaming, he was having a full on freak out in the middle of class. He couldn't even hear his own words, just his voice, and saw students scattering and for some fucking reason he was helpless to stop it. He couldn't stop the destruction he was causing, the fear he was inspiring, and oh god, Evan was in the doorway, eyes wide, frozen.

And the panic set in. His arms stopped, his mouth stopped, he stopped and his body seemed to catch up to his wish to stop. He folded into himself. What had he done? Everything had been going so well, and now Evan had seen this. What he was. Properly. The awful things he could do. He felt sick to his stomach. Evan could never love him now. How on earth could he?

The world went black.

* * *

 

Connor woke up in the first aid room in the office with Evan sitting beside him looking very worried. Connor wanted to curl into himself and disappear, he wished he'd never been born, he wished he was dead. But he wasn't, and he'd just had a full on freak out. In front of his soulmate. Who was giving him the most worried look right now. He must be able to feel his heart going 120 miles per hour.

“Are you okay?” Evan asked.

Connor laughed dryly. “Am I okay? Do I seem okay? God, did I hurt anyone? Are you okay?”

Evan furrowed his brows. “You were there for the whole thing, surely you'd know.”

Connor shook his head. “I can never really remember my episodes. It just happens. It's like it's not even me doing it. I'm just watching.”

The concern on Evan's face grew. “You didn't hurt anyone. You called Mr Truman some truly colourful names. Threw a chair at nothing. That kind of thing.”

Connor groaned. “I'm so fucked.”

“Look, I don't want to make this worse than it is-”

“But you hate me now, I don't blame you, just do it fast-”

“I was going to say that I couldn't convince them not to call your parents.”

“Oh.” For the second time that day, Connor froze.

“I tried to stop them, but it's protocol, and- and- well, it's not like they're going to listen to a seventeen year old.”

Connor hadn't even thought about the possibility of his parents being called. He was so worried about what Evan would think of him, he hadn't thought further, but now, now it was likely his parents would want to send him away. To rehab, maybe. To military school, more likely. And Evan wouldn't be there. He would be alone, and unloved, and his brain wouldn't deal. Oh god, he wanted to die, he wanted to be dead.

Evan's hands were on his shoulders, and his eyes were close, which meant his face was close, which meant Evan was close. Why would he want to be this close to Connor. Connor was disgusting. Connor couldn't control his anger issues. Connor was having a panic attack at the thought of seeing his parents. Connor was pathetic. And yet here Evan was, trying to catch his focus for a moment to try and calm him.

And Evan's arms were around him, and that calm that was always waiting there consumed him, though the thoughts were still there. It was confusing, and upsetting, going from panicked to calm when he wasn't even able to make a sound. The calm was addictive, but the panic was real, and Connor was so scared that if Evan let go he'd rebound right into that panic again.

And then his father was in the doorway, and it didn't matter that Evan’s arms were around him. Tears sprung to his eyes and the panic was back and he had no idea why he was scrambling backwards on this sorry excuse for a cot, but he was in the corner and Evan was silent and his father's eyes judged harshly.

Larry cleared his throat and Evan closed his eyes, breathing in through his nose and pulling away. He stood, turning to look at Larry. How was it that he could look this fearless, so different from the first time he'd faced Connor’s father?

“Can I have a moment?” Larry asked, voice monotone.

In a rare show bravery Evan stayed where he was. “Last time I left you alone with him he cried for two days on end. Anything you have to say to Connor you can say in front of me.”

Larry looked down at his shoes, obviously ashamed, and nodded.

“You know I can't let this go, right? You destroyed school property, you insulted a teacher, Connor. This isn't something I can take lightly.”

Connor sat in silence, all of the things he wanted to say on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't move. Why did he want to be his dad now when he'd made it very clear that he didn't really think of Connor as his son any more? Why did he think he could act like he cared now?

Instead Connor nodded.

What great punishment could Larry dole out? Connor wasn't living in the Murphy household. What could his father take from him that hadn't already been taken?

Evan's name crossed his mind. He could make sure he didn't see Evan. Send him away. Make him miserable and lonely and isolated again.

“So you'll come home with me now, and we will discuss punishment with your mother-”

Evan spoke up again, sounding more and more confident in himself. “All due respect, Mr Murphy, but Connor doesn't live there anymore. And I think that this is a symptom of a bigger problem. Connor doesn't need punishment, he needs help.”

Connor could see the anger in Larry's eyes flare up. Evan had broken his number one rule. Respect authority figures, especially him.

“ _All due respect_ Mr Hansen, but Connor is my son, and I'll decide what's best for him. Whether or not he's sleeping under my roof is irrelevant.”

Connor had never seen Evan so angry. Or even just angry. But Evan looked furious.

“Your son needs help, Mr Murphy, and you refusing to do anything about it is exactly why he's as scared and alone and volatile as he is now. It's exactly why things like this happen.”

“You need to learn where your input is needed, boy. I don't need parenting advice from a seventeen year old-”

“You don't think you need parenting advice from a seventeen year old, but you do, and you're sure as shit going to get it.”

Larry looked shocked Evan's language, taken aback a little, but Evan didn't back down.

“You know he thinks you don't love him-”

“That's ridiculous-”

“You threw him out of the house because of something he couldn't control.”

“Connor left of his own accord-”

“After you made it clear he wasn't wanted. He thinks you don't love him, and I had no way to comfort him because with the behaviour you're displaying, I couldn't say you did. You don't act like you even like your son, and that's going to fuck any kid up.”

“After what he did to Zoe, he needed to treated differently. It wasn't like mollycoddling him was doing him any good-”

“Did it ever occur to you that something might be seriously wrong? Did it ever occur to you that maybe things would get worse if you stopped acting like you wanted to be around him? He should be in therapy. He attempted suicide-”

“That was attention seeking-”

“And did it occur to you that maybe there was a reason he needed attention?” Evan yelled.

Larry fell silent. Connor didn't know when the tears had started falling, but he knew his face was wet.

“Things like this don't happen just because he's decided to do it. You know he told me he doesn't even remember what happened. He told me it feels like somebody else is controlling his body. I don't know about you, but that sounds like some scary shit to be going through to me! So when I say he needs help not punishment, I might know enough to back up my statements.”

There was a tense pause in the room, with only Evan's panting breaths and Connors sobs filling the silence. Evan reached back and took Connor's hand, squeezing comfortingly.

“Can't you see he's scared? And he's been scared for a good goddamn long time. He needs help, Mr Murphy, even you can see that.”

Larry looked back down at his shoes. Evan stayed standing tall, defiant, Connor’s knight in - well, not in shining armour - a cast.

“Surely you can admit he needs help. That he needed help a long time ago. Suicide should never have felt like the best option.”

“Are you going to pay for all of that?” Larry asked. “Therapy isn't cheap. Medication is expensive, and it'll mess up his brain more than it already is. All those chemicals can't be good for a young mind.”

“Mr Murphy I know for a fact that therapy isn't cheap, and that medication costs a great deal, I go to therapy, I take medication every day. My mother is the only person working in a single parent household, and she manages to pay for those for me. I won't deny that is hard, but we do it. You make a great deal more than my mother, and your refusal to help your child disgusts me. I think he might be right. I don't think you love him. No loving parent with a sick child would deny them treatment all because they don't want to spend the money. That's what you're doing, Mr Murphy. You're refusing your child treatment in favour of keeping your money. If you saw anyone else doing that, you'd be disgusted. What makes this any different?”

Evan's voice was forceful, even as Connor felt his panic at speaking to an adult the way he was speaking. Larry seemed smaller somehow now, he looked defeated.

“It's not.” Came a whisper.

Evan nodded. “Please. He needs something, he needs help. You could do something good for him for once and help him get what he needs.”

Larry nodded. “And I thought your mother was the formidable one in the family. I guess she passed that on.”

Evan let out a sigh of relief.

Larrys gaze levelled on Connor, who had been silent through the whole ordeal. “Nothing I can say will ever make what I've done better.”

Connor stared. He swallowed. “Start simple.” He said. “Admit that you were wrong.”

Larry blanched.

“Admit that it was because I was broken - and still am. Admit that I wanted you to see that for years. Admit that you didn't know what to do. Admit that I just wanted you to love me - and that you were scared to.”

Evan looked like this wasn't something he should be seeing. There was heat in Connor’s cheeks, tears making his vision swim.

“Admit that _you were wrong_.”

“I'm sorry.”

And that's the end of it, at least right then. Because then Connor starts crying and Larry crosses the room and Evan exits, giving them the privacy that Connor’s not sure he wants until _there._

There. It's been too long since he hugged his dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some angst and a little bit of resolution. More resolution next chapter. 
> 
> If you want to look at a badly organised persons blog, I barely reblog anything over at @cakesnake on tumblr. 
> 
> Once again, thanks to @nosecoffee for digging me out of the deep, deep hole I dug myself into, I couldn't have done it without you.


	9. A Million Ways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it fluff. Is it angst? Is it humour? Will we ever find out? Find out in this episode of GLEE!

There was a part of Connor that was relieved to be back in his own bedroom, in his own bed, having more than just five outfits to cycle through, having nail polish that wasn't so chipped it was nearly gone. And there was a part of him that made him feel he going to cry the moment he got there. Because he was going to miss spending all that time with Evan, awkward or not.

Crying seemed to be almost all he was doing these days. And he was sort of sick of the pity he was getting, despite how good it felt to get the attention he'd been needing for years.

Since that day Connor had put been back to school, not for lack of wanting to, but because he'd been suspended. He thought it was reasonable; really, but now that he was living back at home he missed Evan. And the only place he could reasonably see him was at school. Instead his current plan was to sneak out to Evan’s place again tonight just to see him.

Or maybe do the healthy thing and tell his parents where he was going. That might be the better thing to do. They'd probably even let him. Probably be overjoyed that he'd at least told them where he was going. That settled it. He was going over to Evans tonight. He should probably text him so that Evan didn't have an anxiety attack at Connor trying to get in his window. Or really, Heidi would let him walk in the door. Old habits die hard.

 **Murphy. C, 4:35pm:** Hey, is it alright if I stay over tonight?

 **Ev, 4:50pm:** Yeah? I thought you'd want to stay home though. It's only been two days

 **Murphy. C, 4:53pm:** I miss you though.

 **Ev, 4:55pm:** That is disgustingly cute.

 **Ev, 4:55pm:** Sorry, Jared stole my phone. It's fine if you want to come over, I'll let my mom know so she doesn't freak out when she comes home.

 **Murphy. C, 4:58pm:** thnx, don't want to freak Heidi out.

 **Ev, 5:01pm:** isn't your first therapy appointment tomorrow?

The answer to Evans question was, yes, it was, and Connor was dreading it. He knew he was messed up, but it was going to be a totally different thing to have words to put to his illness. And it scared him to know exactly what was wrong with him.

 **Murphy. C, 5:07pm:** yeah.

 **Ev, 5:08pm:** I can feel your heartbeat. Don't worry, I was scared my first session, as well, do you want me to come with you?

 **Murphy. C, 5:10pm:** I thought I couldn't have anyone else in the room?

 **Ev, 5:13pm:** Yeah, but maybe you'd feel better with me sitting in the waiting room?

Connor considered it for a moment, and decided that would be comforting.

 **Murphy. C, 5:15pm:** Yes please.

 **Ev, 5:16pm:** I’ll be there, then. Did you want to come over for dinner? Mom is out, but I have money for pizza?

 **Murphy. C, 5:17pm:** You don't want to deal with the delivery person yourself, do you?

 **Ev, 5:17pm:** I really don't, please come over for dinner.

“Mom?” Connor yelled down the stairs.

“Yes Connor?” She called up.

“Can I go over to Evans and stay? I'll be back tomorrow!”

“Connor, honey, staying over is a little bit-”

“Mom, I was living there for three weeks, whatever you're worried about is probably not going to happen. You've met Evan. He's an innocent nervous wreck.”

Connor could hear his sister laughing from down the hall, and could hear his mother sigh from downstairs.

“I'm not going to convince you not to, so yes you may stay over, just-”

“Mom, if you say stay safe, I won't come back.”

Zoe was just about cackling now, and he heard Alana’s muffled giggling as well.

Connor turned back to his phone.

 **Murphy. C, 5:21pm:** My mom says yes.

 **Ev, 5:22pm:** :).

 **Murphy. C, 5:23pm:** I knew you were a secret emoji user.

 **Ev, 5:25pm:** fuck you

 **Murphy. C, 5:26pm:** I'm so proud to have corrupted you. Guess I told my mum a lie when I said you were innocent.

 **Ev, 5:27pm:** fuck you.

 **Ev, 5:27pm:** Come over.

 **Connor, 5:30pm:** On my way.

* * *

 

The next morning was hazy and calm. His mother had made his first doctor’s appointment, and therapy session a Saturday so that afterwards he could have some time to recover and they would have time to get the prescriptions they knew he'd get filled. But all this really meant was a lazy morning in bed just holding Evan. Which was simply incredible.

Despite the way that the situation could easily turn awkward, Connor was starting to find these silences comfortable. Of course, this could only happen if Evan wasn't awake, because if he woke up, he immediately avoided the silence by getting up and getting busy with his morning routine. (The kid had a morning routine, a scheduled one, even on the weekends, which was just somehow the cutest thing to Connor.)

Of course, if he thought about it too hard he felt like a creep, just lying here awake watching his Not-Boyfriend breathe. So he didn't think too hard. There was just something so beautiful about Evan while he was asleep, face unlined by anxiety, shoulders relaxed, all of the tension he usually carried gone from his frame, leaving him looking peaceful. Connor couldn't help but feel happy looking at him.

And then Evan woke, a little bit startled, and Connor closed his eyes to save Evan the feeling of being observed that he knew he hated, because he felt judged. Evan wiggled his way out of the bed, and across the room.

Connor turned over to watch Evan open the curtains and the window immediately and then put socks on to combat the cold floor. Evan looked up to find Connors eyes on him and blushed, but Connor noted it wasn't the bad way he was used to, not the way he'd turn bright red and frown and look back to the floor. Evan kept eye contact and turned a little pink. He smiled. Connor smiled back.

“You ready for today?” Evan asked, and Connor remembered. A diagnosis. A therapy session. Probable pills he had to remember to take. A part of him was so scared, and another part so happy to be getting help. And he knew Evan could only see how scared he was. Feel how his heartbeat picked up.

“I know.” Evan said, simply.

“There's so much.”

Evan nodded.

“And what if all my problems aren't real, and I'm wasting their money, and all this time I've just been a little shit?” He couldn't help how small his voice got.

“You're not an imposter. I thought for the longest time that I was, but that's not who mental health works. We're going to find out today, Connor. And get you the help you need.” Evan approached carefully and took Connor's hand. Connor sat up.

“I'm scared that it won't ever go away.”

“Me too. I'm always scared, and there's so much fear around the fact that the fear itself won't ever go away. But that's what the meds are for. To help you cope with it. It doesn't solve the problems, but it helps you cope with them. So if it never goes away, we'll cope.”

Connor smiled a little at that. _We'll cope_. Not _You'll_ cope. We. Evan would be there. Evan wasn't going away. Evan wouldn't leave.

* * *

 

And Evan didn't leave. Not when they went to Connor’s house so that his mom could drive them to the doctors office. Not when he had to sit in the waiting room at the doctors for an hour and a half knowing Connor was crying in the doctor's office. Not when Connor emerged with a diagnosis and a prescription for Topamax and Ritalin. Not when the therapy session that was scheduled to be an hour long turned into two hours.

Not even after they lay in Connor's bed for an hour after that with Connor just sobbing, relieved that there were people out there who agreed he was sick, who believed him, who were listening to him. Evan had stayed there beside him, his polo shirt now tear stained and covered in god knows what, murmuring comforting things, raking his fingers through Connor’s long hair, kissing his forehead.

Borderline Personality disorder. With a side of ADD and a touch of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It was no wonder Connor had been so fucked up for so long. The ADD should have been picked up years and years ago. He had never been able to pay attention, he was always fidgeting; that was why he'd grown his hair out, apart from wanting to look dangerous, it was something to fiddle with. The doctor said it was often linked to BPD, which explained his reckless behaviour, his random outbursts of anger, the suicidal thoughts.

It was all explained, and there was just such a relief in knowing he wasn't making it up, that it was real. And such righteousness in knowing that he had been right, that his father had been wrong, that he would have been better if they had got him help when he had first exhibited these symptoms.

And knowing that maybe it would be alright. That with help, he would cope.

The sobs stopped finally. His crying was starting to piss even him off.

“Did you feel like this, when you knew?” He asked Evan.

“I don't know. The stress of it all, I dissociated after everything. My mom got really concerned, but I guess my brain couldn't deal with it? So it stopped believing this was reality? I just don't really have clear memories of the day I was diagnosed.”

“So what you're saying is you could have robbed a bank, and would never have known it?”

“Well if I robbed a bank, I would have found the evidence wouldn't I?”

“Possibly.”

“Never have I ever robbed a bank.”

“Well I need to drink.”

“What?”

“I stole a pen from a teller at the bank when I was, like, eight. I didn't want to take it back, so I never told anyone. I hope I can trust you with my deepest darkest secret.”

“Do you still have it?”

“No. Zoe stole it from me years ago, and I haven't seen it since. I will never forgive, and I will never forget.”

Evan looked less worried now, with Connors dry humour back in pride of place. The smile on his face was intoxicating, and all Connor wanted to do was make him smile more. It was the least he could do after all Evan had done for him.

“Never have I ever fallen out of a tree.”

“You insult my honour, sir, I let go.” Evan was smiling, even through that painful subject that Connor had forgotten about. He felt something inside him twinge.

“Besides, everyone has fallen out of a tree.” He continued.

“No, everyone has _climbed_ a tree. Few have been stupid enough to fall.”

“Are you calling me stupid?”

“Are you saying you've fallen out of a tree?” Connor challenged.

Evan laughed. “Guess I need to drink, huh?”

“We can do that later, I want to stay here. I'm comfortable.”

Evan's smile turned soft, and Connor was overcome with the thought of what it would be like to kiss him, properly this time. Without freaking out. Without feeling that he was taking advantage. In the warm afternoon light where hope seemed the brightest, Evan was beautiful. Smiling, relaxed, awake now, but the tension in his muscles had all but disappeared. He was calm, he looked happy. Connor wondered whether kissing him would ruin that, this perfect picture beside him. It had been so long since Connor had felt the motivation to sketch, but with Evan here, looking this way, relaxed, at peace, perfect, this was something he wanted to draw, something he wanted to capture forever.

Instead he leant his head forward on Evan’s shoulder. “Thank you.” He whispered.

“For what?” Evan whispered back.

“For staying. For being here. You didn't know me five weeks ago, and now, I don't think I've ever felt so at peace with myself.”

“You didn't know _me_ five weeks ago, and you let me take your dad into Thunderdome last week. That was incredible. You're letting me be here now. Right after you did something really hard. Like, really hard. And you took it really well. What I mean is, I can't quite believe I'm here with you. I can't believe how calm this is.”

Connor smiled into Evan's shoulder. “Me either. It's like a dream.”

“I hope it's not.” Evan said, moving so that he was murmuring into Connor’s hair. “I want this to be real.”

“Me too.”

When Zoe found them asleep like that she smiled before she slammed her foot into the floorboards rhythmically, yelling the words to American Idiot until they woke up. Once they were awake, looking quite unimpressed with her, she said, “Alana and I made too many pizza rolls, and you need to come downstairs to help us get rid of the evidence.”

Connor sat up. “Are those the pizza rolls you smuggled into the garage freezer while mom was in her vegan phase?”

“Yep.” She nodded, hair flying in her face. “Now help me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes. After three false starts, if you're seeing this, it's a miracle I haven't torn my hair out. Welcome to this chapter. I hope you enjoyed. 
> 
> I'm over @cakesnake on tumblr if that's a thing you want to know.


	10. Everything's Okay

**insanelycool has entered the chatroom on 10/8/16**

**insanelycool, 12:00pm:** so I was having a panic attack in the mall, right

 **eh, 12:01pm:** what! Why? Are you okay?

 **insanelycool, 12:01pm:** noah fence but this is not about how insecure and lonely I am, this has a purpose.

 **insanelycool, 12:02pm:** so I'm having this panic attack, so I'm running to my happy place, the lush store, cos you know, it smells nice, it's very calming

 **eh, 12:03pm:** The lush store is your happy place?

 **insanelycool, 12:03pm:** im telling a story, evan

 **insanelycool, 12:04pm:** so I'm wandering around the lush store and my brain is like ‘yes, good, soothing, calm, smells nice, look at that pink bathbomb’ and then I realised, I was seeing colours

 **eh, 12:05:** what?!?!

 **insanelycool, 12:05:** that's what I thought, and I realised I walked into like a BUNCH of people trying to get here, and my soulmate could be anyone

 **insanelycool, 12:06pm:** anyone, evan.

 **insanelycool, 12:07pm:** what if they haven't realised

 **insanelycool, 12:07pm:** what if they have, and they're trying to find me?

 **insanelycool, 12:07pm:** What if they're in Best Buy evan

 **insanelycool, 12:08pm:** i cant go into Best Buy, I have a lifetime ban

 **eh, 12:08pm:** why are you banned from Best Buy?

 **insanelycool, 12:09pm:** now is not the time, evan, there's someone out there who started seeing colour because of me, and I need to find them, I need your help.

 **eh, 12:10pm:** where are you now?

 **insanelycool, 12:11pm:** still in lush, I'm kinda freakin out, so I stayed here

 **insanelycool, 12:12pm:** btw, dude, all of the colours, what the actual hell, it's incredible

 **eh, 12:15pm:** ikr, okay, you gotta go looking for them, they've probably realised the same thing as you. Connor's driving me to the mall so we can help you look.

 **insanelycool, 12:20pm:** where do I even look? Do I start walking up to bewildered looking strangers and ask them if they've started seeing colours?

 **eh, 12:24pm:** yes? Unless you want to carry a sign like one of those girls at the wrestling matches

 **insanelycool, 12:25pm:** and I'll bet you want me to strip down to my underwear too?

 **eh, 12:26pm:** NO

 **insanelycool, 12:27pm:** I'm yelling out in the mall, I feel like a loser

 **eh, 12:28pm:** u are a loser

 **eh, 12:28pm:** that was Connor, I'm sorry, we've arrived. We'll split up. Actually we won't, because I lack the ability to talk to strangers, whoops

 **insanelycool, 12:30pm:** thanks buddy, text me if you find them

* * *

 

Evan wasn't quite sure what to do in this situation, he assumed many people accidentally touched their Soulmates in passing, and then never knew if they found the right person. He never even considered that his meeting Connor had been easy. Maybe the easiest thing that had ever happened to him. He felt sorry for Jared who was stuck because of the vaguery that went into his meeting.

Evan couldn't help but cringe as Connor jumped up on one of the benches that were placed periodically down the hall and yelled: “Hey, has anyone very recently started seeing colours? We have a friend that's freaking out!”

Some people looked around to see if anyone would respond, but no one did. Connor jumped down and shrugged. “Worth a try.” He said.

Evan just nodded.

* * *

Jared was freaking out. He had no idea what this person would look like, how they'd react, whether they would like him at first, whether they'd even stuck around to find him. And to make matters worse, the world was a blur of colour, distracting, wonderful, _not his focus_. He had to find this person, or maybe he'd be alone forever.

Maybe they were only meant to be this to each other. A slight touch and a burst of colour, and that was it. Maybe Jared was meant to be alone. Maybe he ought to give up.

And then he heard a girl on her phone.

“No, yeah, it was so weird, he rushed past me, he kinda shoulder clipped me, and then all of a sudden I could see colour. It was incredible. I've been looking for, like, an hour, and still haven't found him. I'm wondering if he left. Yeah, no, brown hair, glasses, that's all I can remember, he was gone so fast.”

His heart sped up. Was this her? Had he he found his soulmate?

“Maybe I should give up. He's probably not even here anymore. It kinda sucks.” She nodded at whatever the person on the other end of the phone was saying. “You're right. I should stay, after all, he could have got a bit lost. He might have been looking for me this whole time. That would be a laugh. Yeah. I'll stay around a little longer.”

The girl was around his age, taller than him, with long brown hair. And he'd never seen her before in his life. How was he supposed to approach a stranger and say ‘Hey, you've never met me before, but I overheard your phone conversation, the private one you were just having, and I think I might be your soulmate’? How lame could you get?

“... oh, wait, I think I see him, yeah, bye.”

Her voice snapped him out of his self deprecating state in time for him to see her walking towards him. Like, moving right towards him, looking him in the eyes and smiling. And all of a sudden he couldn't breathe, because as bright as the colours had been elsewhere, somehow they were brighter and more real on her.

And he remembers Evan said the exact same thing about Connor. This had to be her. And he was speechless.

* * *

 

**insanelycool has entered the chatroom on 10/8/16**

**insanelycool, 12:50pm:** Guys, I found her. We're gonna have lunch and talk.

 **eh, 12:51pm:** :) WOOT!

 **eh, 12:52pm:** what is she like?

 **insanelycool, 12:53pm:** I think the sun shines out of her smile? Idk, I'll have to get back to you on that one. She's pretty incredible. Breathtaking.

 **eh, 12:59pm:** I know how that was like, omg, looking at Connor is like looking at the sun!!!!

 **insanelycool, 1:05pm:** do you mean painful?

 **eh, 1:06pm:** succ a dik kleinman

 **insanelycool, 1:08pm:** weird, Murphy, thought that was what you did in your spare time.

 **eh, 1:10pm:** sorry that was Connor, and we aren't even dating, Jared so why would he be doing that, pls don't mention it again???

 **insanelycool, 1:12pm:** first, don't damage yourself, I can feel your blush through the interwebs. Second, what do you mean you're not dating, you two are possibly the most in love people I've ever seen who aren't recently engaged? Talk to your boyfriend. Kleinman, out.

* * *

 

Evan was stuck standing next to the car mouth gaping open and shut, no noise coming out. Connor was sitting in the car already, the engine running. Connor was probably getting annoyed at him for taking so long. But Evan couldn't move.

Would Connor even want to date Evan? Was that what they were doing already? Was that what Connor thought, and Evan had never picked up on it? God, Evan was dumb, stupid, unobservant, how could Connor love him like this?

“Evan? Are you okay?” Came Connors voice from the car, concerned, not annoyed. Caring.

Evan took a breath in, exhaled loudly, probably too loudly and cleared his throat. “Yeah, I'm okay, sorry, I just- sorry.” And he was moving, opening the door, sitting down, doing up his seat belt, closing the door again. Breathing.

Connor looked over to him concerned, and placed a hand on Evan's knee. Evan flinched unintentionally, and Connor removed his hand. “Evan, are you okay? Really.”

“I- I don't know. I can't breathe.”

And it was true. It felt like there was a stopper somewhere on the way to his lungs that was stopping the air from reaching them. His head felt heavy so he leant it back on the headrest, and tried to get air to his lungs. He could feel Connors hand on his shoulder, unapologetically, regardless of whether Evan flinched, knowing that being able to feel him there would help Evan ground himself.

Evan looked over to him, and saw his cell phone in Connor's hand, he was looking at the messages, confusion evident on his face. Oh god. Connor had thought they were dating, and he was confused and offended as to why Evan didn't. He was going to be angry, or sad. He didn't want either one of those things.

“Evan. Name five things you can see.”

That old grounding exercise. “Um, the ceiling of your car, the dashboard. The steering wheel, you, my cell phone.”

“Name four things you can feel.”

“My cast. My shirt.” When did the hem of that get between his fingers? “Your hand. My feet on the floor of the car.”

“Three things you can hear.”

“The car engine. I can hear you. I can hear the other cars in the car park.”

“Two things you can smell.”

“Mint gum. Febreze? Is that lavender febreze?”

“One thing you can taste.”

Evan thought for a moment, even through the slowly declining panic.

“Blood, I think? I think I bit my lip?”

“Jesus Christ, Evan.”

Evan looked at him pleadingly.

“It's alright. Can I hold your hand? Is that okay?”

Evan nodded, and he felt Connors hand curl around his good hand. He squeezed gently, and Connor squeezed in return.

“When is the cast coming off? I just realised I have never held your other hand, and it's a travesty.”

Evan laughed breathlessly, but it came out more like a wheeze. “Um, the doctors have it booked in for next week, but it might not happen then if the x-rays don't look good enough.”

“How long have you had it on?”

Evan thought back. June 22nd he had dropped himself out of the tree. That made it- “Seventeen weeks.”

“That's a long time. Are you gonna be glad to have your left hand back?”

“Is that even a question? I'm gonna be so happy about it. Although I'm going to have an awful cast tan line for ages because of it. It's a mixed bag, I guess.”

Connor nodded. “How do you feel?”

“Better, I- I think. I can breathe again.”

“Did you want me to-”

Connor cut himself off and gestured with his other arm vaguely. Evan guessed he meant that Connor wanted to hug him. Get rid of the rest of the panic.

Evan nodded, and Connor leant over the center console to pull Evan to him. Evan buried his face in that place between Connor's shoulder and neck. For the first time Evan noticed that Connor smelled like cinnamon and gum, probably to cover up the scent of the weed that Evan had told him he probably shouldn't be smoking while on his meds.

He sighed, and Connor squirmed a bit. “You just breathed into my neck, dude.” He explained.

“Sorry.” Evan murmured without moving.

“New rule, don't move your lips when your head's there. That's too weird.” Connor seemed to be laughing a little bit.

“Sorry.” Evan said again, without moving.

Connor brought a hand up to Evans hair to run his hand through it, knowing this was a calming gesture for him, something his mom did usually.

Finally, Evan felt the panic dissipate.

“What made you freak out?” Connor asked, quietly.

“Jared was surprised when I said we weren't dating, and uh, I started to wonder if that was true, or if- if- _ifyouevenwantedtodateme_ …”

“You have to slow down if you want me to understand you.”

“I don't know if you want to date me, and I started freaking out about that.”

Connor looked at him strangely.

“We haven't discussed it. I guess. Did you want to talk about that now?”

“Do _you_?”

Both of them fell silent, not even knowing where to start the ‘what are we?’ conversation.

“I- uh- I wouldn't mind dating you, if that's what you would like-” Connor started.

“If you don't want to, that's fine, it's fine, we can be friends. You don't have to feel, like, _obligated_ or whatever, it's totally fine.”

Connor paused for a moment to make sure Evan was finished.

“I want to date you. And like, be boyfriends and whatever.”

“Really?”

“Do you think I hug my _friends_ this much. Do you think I kiss my friends when I'm freaking out?” He asked, bringing up the kisses that they'd never discussed. Evan blushed.

“So, we’re boyfriends? Properly?”

“Only if you want to?” Connors response sounded more like a hopeful question than a response. 

Evan couldn't find his words. Not one of his words. Connor had told him that he wanted to date him. Wanted to be with him. And now Evan was breathless in the good way. So before he could think better of it, he rested a hand on the side of Connor's face and reached up to kiss him gently.

“Does that answer your question?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, y'all. I'm child (I'm 18, but I feel like a child. Not actually a child, I promise.) with anxiety problems, two assignments due imminently, a job I work three days a week, and a steadily declining capacity for imagination. So please let me know where you see this fic going from here, because what I have written for Chapter 11 so far is uninspiring to me, and I have five-ish hours tomorrow to maybe churn out some quality content. And I want to churn out some quality content for you guys. You're all marvellous and I love you!


	11. You Are Not Alone

Kissing Evan was a goddamned revelation. He kissed like he had all the time in the world, very different to his usual disposition, very different to the rushed, anxious, urgent nature of Evan. Now, here, he's soft, and lazy, and slow, and his hands are in Connor's hair. And Connor, for the life of him, could not remember where this had started, but he knows he sure as hell isn't going to stop it.

One hand cupping the back of Evan's head, the other bringing Evan's newly freed hand out of his hair, holding their hands between them, Connor could not imagine a better place to be right now.

Evan pulled away smiling. “I've really got to study.”

Connor rolled his eyes. That was it, Evan was supposed to be studying for English. Connor had done his reading already, but Evan was behind because he had had to go to therapy in the middle of the school day because that was the only session Dr Sherman had had open. And Evan was a slow reader. It was kind of infuriating. Connor had always been a fast reader, and now studying with Evan meant enduring that he was five chapters behind Connor, and he couldn't talk about where he was up to. Which was particularly upsetting now that they were actually reading a good book for class.

“I know it's not great fun for you, but if I don't keep up, my brain is gonna explode.”

Connor nodded. “Did you want me to leave so you can focus?”

Evan thought for a moment. “It might be best, given how distracted we both got, just now.”

Connor nodded lifting himself away from Evan, collecting his bag, jacket, and shoes. “I'll see you tomorrow, but I'll text you later, okay? Let me know when you're up to date.”

Evan nodded. “Bye.”

Connor darted forward to steal one more kiss, smiled cheekily and made his way to his car.

* * *

Connor couldn't sleep. It wasn't that he didn't want to, or wasn't trying to, it was that he couldn't rest. Every part of his body needed to be doing something, needed to be stimulated. He felt useless and a little bit numb in his fingers. And for the past two nights he hadn't slept. And it was starting to get to him.

Something inside him was itching to do something, achieve something, but all he wanted to do was sleep. He was tossing and turning, and he couldn't get comfortable, his body wouldn't rest. Finally, at 3:30am he gave up on sleep and turned his light on to read or draw, or something to keep his hands busy.

The worst bit was at school he was so drowsy, he was almost falling asleep at his desk it felt cruel to him that when he wanted to be awake he was drowsy and when he needed sleep he couldn't get it.

Whatever.

* * *

“Is that a bruise?” Evan asked, pointing to Connor’s wrist.

“What, where?” Connor lifted his arm and twisted it. All the way around his wrist was a purple mark that almost looked like a handprint. “What the hell?”

“Is that from me squeezing your wrist? You should have told me it hurt.”

“It didn't.” Connor replied, puzzled at the bruise. When he poked at it it ached like a normal bruise, but Evan had barely squeezed his wrist. Holding it down, holding Connor down to the bed to kiss him, Evan had barely put any weight on him at all, so Connor couldn't work out why such a light touch was bruising.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I'm just not sleeping much, I guess.”

“That happened to me on the first round of meds they tried.” Evan nodded. “I also got a nasty rash on my back. Maybe you should consult your doctor?”

Connor nodded absently. The meds were supposed to help him get better, not make him worse in different ways.

* * *

He was having a panic attack in the bathroom, how fucking pathetic. One minute he was fine, the next he couldn't breathe and tears were running down his face, and he felt like he was dying. All he could feel was crushing emptiness and his fist compulsively beating against his chest, trying desperately to get air to his lungs.

He didn't even know what he was panicking about. He had no idea why he felt like this, why he couldn't stop it.

He really had to make an appointment with his doctor.

* * *

“So what are your symptoms?” Asked Connor's doctor looking over the rim of his glasses at him. Connor got the feeling that maybe he didn't care as much as he had thought.

“Insomnia, easy bruising, panic attacks, drowsiness-”

“You stated two competing symptoms.”

“They're independent of each other. I'm drowsy when I shouldn't be, but I can't sleep.”

“What are you on, currently?”

“I'm on Topamax and Ritalin.”

“Well maybe we ought to switch you over to an SSRI from Topamax. It might be better for the symptoms you were displaying anyways. Topamax is fairly experimental still, it's technically an anticonvulsive, but it's been shown to have positive effects for those with BPD, like you. It might help get rid of the ill effects just to change one of the medications you're on.”

Connor nodded like he understood. But he didn't. The doctor never said ‘It will help’ he kept saying ‘it might help’. There was no comfort in that. And it was upsetting. It might take months, even years to find the drug cocktail that would help him.

“So I'm prescribing you Prozac, which is an SSRI. If the ill effects of the Ritalin continue we will work out an alternative to it.”

Connor nodded and took the prescription.

* * *

He wanted to call Evan. He wanted to see Evan. Because, surely, even seeing him would make him feel a little less like shit. That wasn't true, but believing it made him feel a bit better. But he knew his mom wanted him home for dinner, and probably wouldn't take too well to Connor leaving a family dinner to go and stay over at his confirmed boyfriend’s house. She would say it was a little bit inappropriate, and surely he didn't need to spend all his time at Evan's house, and _we miss you_ Connor. Ugh.

So he went home and he substituted all of his Topamax for Prozac, and put the Topamax in a drawer in his dresser. And sat on his bed staring at nothing for a while.

Maybe it was him, maybe the prescription was right, maybe Connor was taking it wrong. It was his fault the meds weren't working. They should have been working. His phone beeped with a reminder to take his pills, and he rolled his eyes, but did as he was told. He had to commit himself to getting better.

“... _Connor_. Connor. Hello? Dinner is ready.”

Connor snapped out of his introspective state to find Zoe in his doorway.

“Come on. It smells inedible, but you know there isn't anything else.”

He nodded and got up.

“You don't look so good.”

“I, uhh, haven't been sleeping, cos of the pills. Ritalin is a stimulant, and well, it's doesn't want me to sleep. So I'm on new drugs now. Yay.”

Zoe nodded. “That sucks.”

“Yeah. He didn't even replace the drug that's giving me insomnia. He changed the other one, just in case.”

“What bullshit.”

“Indeed.”

“Come on. There's apparently food down there.”

He smiled weakly as she pulled him down the stairs.

* * *

  **Incoming Call from Ev**

“Hey.” Connor answered.

“Hey. How was the appointment?”

“It was fine, new drugs, as expected. But he didn't change over the Ritalin like I thought. Which is weird. Also, everything on the internet about a Ritalin/Prozac mix is scaring me, because it says it's a moderate effect mix. They could hype up each others side effects. Which is, like, the whole reason I went to the doctor.”

“I get it. But that's all on people who don't have your exact biological make up. It's a lot of trial and error until you find the right thing. It's kind of off putting, and makes you feel like a lab rat, but in the end you'll end up with the best mix for you. Just, don't let them put you on Paxil. It hypes up suicidal thoughts, and with your condition it's not a good match. It wasn't a good match for me, either.”

“I'll keep that in mind.”

“You sound flat.”

“I feel flat. I feel like if been hit by three buses in a row.”

“Did you want me to come over?” There was a nervousness to Evan’s voice here, like he wasn't sure himself of what he was asking.

“Yeah. That might help.”

“I'll be over in ten.”

“Okay. I-” Connor stopped himself. “Okay, bye.”

In his sleep addled mind, Connor had been about to finish that sentence with _love you_. That seemed like a problem for Future Connor, so he put it to the side. 

“See you soon.”

* * *

 Watching Connor go through the motions with side effects was not on Evan's list of favourite things to do. More than anything he wished that the first set of meds had worked for him, to save him the pain of what would probably be many drug cocktails that would not help, would have horrible side effects, might even make him feel worse. And there was nothing Evan could do to make it better, because the only way to get him on the right meds was trial and error.

So watching his boyfriend go through insomnia, mood swings, rashes, panic attacks and the many other side effects was a part of what he had to do to support Connor now. And he was learning why his mom had been so fragile while Evan had been doing the same thing. It was hard to watch someone you love suffer.

So of course, if Connor asked him to come over, he was going to go over. If Connor asked him to fetch him food and beverages he would do it. If Connor asked him to lie in bed with him until the numbness in his legs went away, he would do it. Because he couldn't fix it, but he could support him. He could kiss him, and hold him, and tell him that it would get better. Promise him it would get better. Hope that the right prescription would come to Connor, well before Evan had got his.

Evan remembers the day that the suicidal thoughts that the pills gave him became too much and he had decided to give in and just end it. He remembers how hopeless he felt, how alone and how isolated he felt. He remembers thinking his mother wouldn't care. He remembers hoping that it would be quick, remember knowing it wouldn't be. He remembers how horrifying it had felt to come back to himself with his mother holding his ankles crying, with a belt around his neck. He remembers how he had had to comfort his mother that night, because he couldn't face what he had almost done. He remembers going to bed not sure if he was glad that he had been stopped.

He remembers the hospital, and his mother screaming at nurses.

That was something he never wanted to relive, and something he never wanted Connor to feel ever again. So whatever he could do now, he would do to make sure that Connor would never think that Evan wouldn't miss him.

* * *

Evan gasped as Connor kissed him the moment he entered the Murphy home. Of all the reactions he expected, this wasn't one of them. Once they got up to Connor's room, sure. But here in the entrance? Where either of his parents could see and judge them? Evan sure hadn't expected that.

Connor pulled back and rested his forehead against Evan's. “ _I missed you_.”

“You saw me yesterday.”

“I would still miss you if I had seen you an hour ago.”

Evan smiled.

“I missed you too.”

There was the sound of a throat clearing from the landing, and Connor stepped back as Larry descended the stairs. He nodded at Evan, and squeezed Connor's shoulder on the way to the kitchen.

Evan looked questioningly at Connor.

“He's not super comfortable with PDA, but he's trying.” Connor shrugged.

Evan nodded, not really sure what to say to that.

“Did you want anything to drink before we go upstairs?”

“No, I'm alright.”

Connor smiled softly, the cracks in his facade of okay showing and took Evan's hand.

“It's gonna get better.”

Connor looked down as they climbed the stairs.

“It takes a lot of trial and error, and I- I- I know it's really frustrating, but you've gotta practice being brave till it happens naturally.”

Connor took a shaky breath. “You did this, right? This ‘figuring out the meds‘ thing.”

Evan nodded.

“How long? How long did it take to get it right? How long do I have to pretend to be brave?”

“It took eight months for me. It could be shorter. I can't- I can't know.”

Connor nodded. “I'm already sick of it, Evan. I want to feel better.”

“I know.”

They walked into Connor's room, which was slightly warmer than the rest of the house, and it made Evan need to take a second to take his hoodie off. Which, really, was Connor's hoodie that he had left at Evan's house. Connor couldn't help but smile at that.

“I know it's cliche and super possessive, I really like you wearing my clothes.”

Evan flushed. Connor flopped down onto his bed, and held his hand out to Evan.

“I feel like you're using me for my mad make out skills.” Evan joked, still blushing, moving towards Connor.

“Oh, absolutely.” Connor smiled genuinely for the first time that day. “It's only your kisses. Nothing else. Not at all your empathy, and your seemingly endless ability to care.” A chaste kiss. “It has nothing to do with how excited you get when you're able to talk about something you're passionate about.” A slightly less chaste kiss. “It has nothing to do with how cute you are when you realise you've been rambling, and you blush, and I have to tell you I didn't mind, because I never mind.” Open mouthed kisses, gasps, a hand in blond hair, a pale hand balled in Connor's t-shirt. “Everything to do with this.”

Evan smiled into the kisses, smiled as Connor's lips trailed his neck, smiled as Connor returned face to face with him, grinning the same way.

“How is it that you always manage to turn the mood around?” Connor asked, slightly breathlessly.

Evan laughed. “I have a naturally enigmatic personality?”

Connor placed a hand over the fist Evan still held in his shirt, and brought it up far enough that he could kiss Evan's knuckles.

“Damn right you do.” He replied without an ounce of humour in his voice. Because how could he not find Evan compelling? Astounding? Breathtaking?

Evan let go of his shirt and let his fingers trail softly over Connor's cheek. “You look tired.”

Connor nodded.

“Let's take a nap.” Evan suggested, getting closer, wrapping his arms around Connors middle.

“It's nearly 11pm. I think this would just be called sleeping.”

“Mm, nap sounds cuter.” Evan was already comfortably situated with his head resting against Connor’s shoulder, listening to his heartbeat.

“It does.” He agreed, and bent his head down to bury his head in Evan's hair momentarily, smelling Evan's coconut scented shampoo, finding the subtle scent comforting. He wrapped his arms around Evan in return, content, thinking he might actually find sleep this time.

And an hour later, when Larry checked on them and found them asleep in that position, Connor was found to be right, and would wake up more refreshed than he had been in weeks. Whether that was due to the new pills or the presence of his soulmate was anyone's guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very tired, but overall happy with this chapter. I hope you enjoy it. Please let me know where you see this fic going, because at this point I'm a little bit aimless. I'm @cakesnake on tumblr. I love you guys and your enthusiasm, your comments, your kudos, so keep them coming because I'm in constant need of validation.


	12. Come to Get Me

Evan's house became their preferred hideout, as Evan's mom was barely around and his bedroom had a door. And these things were necessary now that the two of them had truly discovered making out. Evan wasn't ready yet to let it go much further, and Connor wasn't fussed. But they could both get carried away sometimes, as any teenaged boy would.

It was a sort of race to see who could get who to get carried away now, Evan nipping and biting the way he knew Connor liked, a bit of pain to liven up the feeling, and Connor retreating down Evan's neck, trying to coax those noises out of him. Both knew that it would be Connor that would break first, he being so volatile, while Evan was more withdrawn, it wasn't like it wasn't mutually satisfying.

Although.

“Connor!”

“Mm?”

“That kinda, twinges. Like, it's just a little much- um, sorry, I don't want to- um, ruin the mood, or whatever but-”

“Evan, it's fine. This whole thing is about communication. If you don't tell me what you don't like, that's gonna eventually cause a rift in the relationship. It's fine to tell me that you don't like something. Trial and error. Like the drugs, right?”

Evan nodded, rubbing at the sore spot on his neck. “Right. I didn't mind it before, but you bit pretty hard.”

“I can't really feel my jaw right now, fun new side effects, so maybe we can try again when I can? Because I think I was overcompensating for the numb jaw thing.”

“Sure. But we start of gentle and work our way up. Because overcompensation or not, I'm surprised you didn't break the skin.” Evan took his hand away from his neck and checked his hand for blood. And Connor saw the bruise that was already forming.

“Oh _shit_.”

Evan's head snapped up, his eyes wide with terror. “What?” His hand went back to his neck.

Connor followed the line of Evan's neck up to his ear. There were several smaller bruises forming.

“You're not gonna like it, and I'm gonna preface the whole thing by saying I'm sorry, okay?”

“Okay?”

“I'm sorry for giving you no less than six hickies and one bruise that makes it look like you got attacked by a horny vampire.”

Evan's eyes somehow got wider and he leapt off the bed to check a mirror. Connor felt the double heartbeat start up. He was in trouble. And he couldn't move because the numbness in his toes was throwing off his balance. So he waited.

“What the _hell_?!” Came Evan's voice from the other end of the house, several octaves higher than Connor was used to hearing it.

Connor looked down.

“How- what? Why?” Evan rounded the corner into his bedroom fast.

“I got carried away.”

“I'm gonna have to explain it to my mom. Oh my god, I can't go to school-”

“Evan, you're making it out to be worse than it is, you're building it up in your head.”

Evan took a deep breath.

“We have to cover these up.”

Connor cocked his head to the side, getting a better look at the trail of marks. “You know you're kind of cute all dishevelled like this. We could leave it.”

Evan widened his eyes and searched for words.

Connor shook his head, and shook his legs trying to feel his feet so he could stand up.

“Come on. Zoe will have something you can use. Seriously though, nearly everyone knows about us, so it's not like we have to be subtle.”

“It's about the implications of the situation. What would teachers think?”

“I really don't think our teachers want to be thinking about how you got hickies.” Connor replied, stretching out and planting his feet on the floor, and standing up. He smiled proudly at Evan who smiled back and took Connor’s hand.

“You can give me some in return to get back at me.”

“That's different. You don't care if people see you with hickies. I do.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “We'll cover them up and I won't do it again, okay?”

“Okay.”

* * *

“What even happened here? Why did you let him do this to you, Evan? Is this a fucking _bite mark_?” Zoe glared at Connor, who shrugged.

“Can't feel my jaw.”

“So you decided that was the perfect time to try out hickies, huh? You're a mess. _You're_ a mess.” She said, turning back to Evan. “I think I have some colour correction concealer and shit, but it's not going to last forever. You're gonna have to get some of this stuff yourself if you guys are going to keep doing this.”

Zoe was opening drawers and unstacking drawer organisers to find the make up she needed.

“We're not going to make a habit of it.” Evan looked at Connor pointedly, Connor rolled his eyes.

“It's not even that bad.”

Evan glared at him.

“ _Bite mark_.”

Connor slumped a little more and watched Zoe pat something that did nothing onto Evan's skin.

“What was that?”

“Primer. It'll stay on better this way. I think Evan would prefer if it did.”

“Are those creams supposed to do anything? That one's green.”

“It's basic colour theory, Connor. I thought you would know this, as an artist yourself. They're different colours to counteract colours under the skin, generally colours that they sit opposite to on the colour wheel.”

“So green?”

“Counteracts redness in the skin.”

“Purple?”

“Yellow.”

Connor nodded, trying to look disinterested.

“So we're going to use a green based colour concealer, because this shit is red as fuck. I'm going to narrate this so you can do this on your own next time.”

Evan started to speak up. “Don't try to tell me there won't be a next time, my brother has very little impulse control, and only part of it is his illness. And please keep still.”

Zoe sighed and got to work.

“We're going to use a fluffy brush to buff the colour into the skin lightly, so that you don't have giant green spots on your neck, instead we're using just enough to neutralise both colours. And then we'll go in with foundation over the top.” Zoe squeezed a small amount of foundation onto a sponge and applied it over the bruises, blending the edges out to the point where Connor had to try very hard to see the bruises. “And then we powder the shit out of this with translucent powder so it hopefully won't shift. Ta da! You're presentable now.”

Evan stood up and walked over to her mirror, and stretched his neck out. It was very hard to see where the marks had been.

“How do you know how to do that, oh golden child? That was some practiced ease I saw there.” Connor asked.

Zoe glared.

“Are you- are you covering up hickies right now?” Connor's face split into a grin as Zoe's face got redder. “You have no right to be talking down to us about this when you're doing the same thing!”

“Shut up, asshole.” Zoe said through an embarrassed smile.

“How many are there? Oh my god, our parents are going to flip, holy shit-”

“ _Don't._ ” Zoe's face was suddenly white and filled with an urgency that had not been there before.

“What-”

“Please don't tell them.” Zoe's eyes started welling up, and all of the humour was gone from Connor. Concern was in his eyes and Evan stayed frozen in the corner of the room, not quite sure what to do now.

“Zoe, what are you-”

“They don't know, they can't know, you know how they feel about- they can't know, Connor, you can't tell them”

“Zoe it was a joke. It's fine that you still haven't told them. I know it's not my business to tell them about your relationship.”

But Zoe didn't even seem to be focused on Connor now. She seemed spaced out, and her breathing was irregular, and Evan was spurred into action. He knew what a goddamned panic attack looked like.

“Connor, call Alana, tell her to get over here.” He said, no trace of a stutter in his voice. “Zoe, let's sit down.” He said, more softly, tentatively reaching out for her arm.

Zoe nodded, and the two of them sat slowly, Evan focused entirely on Zoe.

Connor felt a fleeting moment of jealousy; the knowledge that Evan had liked Zoe in the past surfacing briefly, before Connor shook that thought off, and grabbed Zoe's phone.

There was a lock on it. Jesus Christ, what would she have her password as?

“Zoe,” Connor softened his voice and knelt down in front of her, barely taking in the way that Evan had his arm around her, the way he was coaching her through breathing. “You need to unlock your phone for me, so that I can call Alana.”

She lifted her head when he mentioned Alana’s name, and held out her hand and typed in her passcode, and handed it back.

Connor scrolled through her contacts, all of which were unclear, stupid nicknames with emojis next to their names. He restrained himself for sarcastically asking what the fuck she was on when she renamed her contacts.

It'd probably be something dumb, like Weed Goblin, with two maple leaves.

He takes a chance on the contact that reads Baby Baby with the 100 emoji on either side. Who else would it be? Connor dials. Sure enough, Alana Beck picks up on the other end.

“Hey babe, I told you, it's too early to-”

“I really don't want to know where that's going.” Connor interrupts. “I'm certain you've noticed the double heartbeat, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Zoe is having a breakdown, you need to come round. I don't care where you are-”

There was the sound of wind in the microphone, and there there was beeping as Alana hung up. Connor pulled the phone away from his ear and locked it.

“Alana is on her way.”

* * *

 

Evan focused on the way he could see the water in the kettle boiling. It was better than focusing on anything else.

Alana had arrived a few minutes later, breathless and frantic. Connor and Evan had left the room, quietly, under the guise of making tea. Not so much guise. More like excuse. If Evan listened hard enough, he could vaguely make out the tones of Alana’s voice, but not the words.

Connor was sitting on the bench, staring at the tiling. Evan knew he felt bad. Knew he thought it never would have happened if he hadn't questioned Zoe.

That wasn't right.

Evan played with the tab at the end of a tea bag and cleared his throat. Connor looked up, face near-blank. The line of his jaw wasn't as red as it had been before, back when Evan had left small teeth marks there, but it was still tinged pink.

It made him smile a little.

“What?” Connor’s voice was flat, a little of how he used to act back before they knew each in his tone. He looked tired.

“I was just thinking…” Evan shook his head, unable to come up with the right words for how to describe what he meant. “I was just thinking that I really like kissing you. Even if it means I end up with a discoloured neck.”

The statement didn’t have the desired effect. Connor looked back down, swung his feet just-so. His heels hit a cupboard in the bench and it banged, hollowly. “Sorry.”

“Connor.”

“Evan.”

“I'm not.”

“What?”

“Sorry.” He heard the kettle click off and turned to pour water into the four waiting mugs. “I'm not sorry. I like kissing you, and I like being with you.”

There was a soft slapping noise - Connor’s feet against the tiles - and then a hand on his. The double heartbeat in his chest sped up a bit, and Evan wasn't sure who's heart it was but in that moment he didn't care.

“Evan.” His voice held a different tone from last time. Warmer, rougher. Progress.

Evan turned, finding himself in close proximity to Connor. He forgot, a lot, how much he loved the exact shade of blue of Connor’s eyes; forgot, sometimes, how raw the emotion in them could be. Forgot how breathtaking Connor could be.

He gasped a little and watched a hint of a smile return to Connor's lips.

“It's not your fault, you know. You didn't mean anything by it, and she knows that.”

“I'm always hurting her, Evan.” The smile fell from his face again, replaced by the hollow shell Evan had named Connor:Before. “I can't stop hurting her. It's even my fault she's scared of coming out. If I hadn't been so careless and rash about running away, she wouldn't think she would be kicked out. She wouldn't be scared.”

“It's not your fault you were raised in a home that made you both feel uncomfortable about your sexualities.”

“She's scared of me, Evan. She's scared I'm going to tell, and hurt her. She's scared, because why wouldn't I do that? Because that's the kind of thing I used to do, parade all of Zoe's faults out in front of my parents to hurt her. And I liked it, because at least then I could feel something real, and tangible. So I kept hurting her, and now she thinks I won't ever stop.”

Evan put his hands on either side of Connor's face, brushing hair out of his eyes so that they could make eye contact.

“I'm not going to say that that was healthy or valid, but I am going to say that now you know that it wasn't, and now you can make the effort to not do it again. Now you can fix that behaviour, and fix your relationship with your sister. This is a new start, Connor. This may not be ideal, but it can be fixed. And I'll help you. I'll always be here to help you.” He promised, and lifted very slightly onto his toes to kiss him.

* * *

Alana wasn't sure exactly how to comfort her girlfriend. She was mostly just talking so Zoe could hear that she was there. But she wasn't sure how to make up it better. Mostly because, from the look of her, one who didn't know her wouldn't know she was upset. But Alana knew. She could feel Zoe's heartbeat racing still, could see the hint of tears pricking at her eyes, the redness around her eyes that said she had already been crying, the way she was playing with the sleeves of her shirt. The way she was avoiding eye contact.

Be that as it may, Alana may be able to see that her girlfriend is upset, but she had no idea how to comfort her. Because it was just as puzzling to her that she hadn't told her parents about them and their soulmated-ness yet.

“I'm right here, Zoe, I'm not going anywhere. You're so brave, you're gonna be okay, it's okay.”

Zoe whimpered something quietly that Alana barely heard that she had said anything.

“What was that?” She asked.

“I'm such a fucking coward.”

“No you're not-”

“Yes I am. Connor’s all out and proud now, and our parents haven't said anything about it since… and here I am, scared to tell them that I met the person who will fill my life with purpose. What fucking bullshit cowardice is that? I haven't even told them that I've met my soulmate, they somehow still think that I can't see colours.” She was rocking now, and her hands were up in her face.

“Zoe-”

“You probably hate me, right? Like, we can walk around your house holding hands, and that's all fine, but the moment we come to my house, you're my study buddy! My gal pal. Best friend, closest acquaintance. And if we can't be out in our own homes, where the fuck can we be out? What fucking bullshit.”

“I don't hate you, I could never hate you. I understand that you're scared, and that's for good purpose. You saw what happened to Connor initially. It's not your fault. I can't hate you for something that's out of your control, something you're scared about. That's not fair, and it's not right. I can see that you're scared Zoe, and I won't force you to come out if you don't want to, if you don't feel safe enough to do so. But I will sit by your side and support you when and if you do. I'll be here.”

Zoe looked up at her, tears sparkling in her eyes. “Thank you.”

“That's what we're supposed to do, there no need to thank me-”

Zoe's hand was on her face suddenly, and Alana fell quiet.

“Thank you.”

Their lips met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently in training to become a make up artist, so any make up advice/facts you read in this fic will be as accurate as I can make them. Hope you had fun learning about colour correction in the abstract.
> 
> Shout out to @nosecoffee for her fantastic help. Keep an eye out for her guys, she should be uploading something new and exciting in the next few days, fingers crossed. 
> 
> I'm @cakesnake on tumblr, if that's some shit you want to see.


	13. Everything You Wanted

Jared was kind of staring at him from the other side of the room. Neither of them were quite sure what to say. Whenever their moms got together for a chat, or just to hang out, Jared and Evan were forced to hang out. Because they were _friends_. And friends hung out. Friends knew how to talk to each other.

So now, in the silence, Evan was made to question whether he and Jared were friends.

“Your s- your soulmate. She's- how is she? Who is she?”

“She's-” Jared smiled a little. “She's well. He name is Rachael Bloomberg. She's a senior, just like us, but she's at a high school out of our district.”

Evan nodded.

“She's incredible, maybe the kindest person I've ever met…”

“You've got But-Face.” Evan said without thinking. It was a sort of in joke between him and his mom, and he had no idea why it had slipped out of his mouth now.

“Buttface?”

“Um, you know how people, like, pause and pull a face before they're about to say ‘but’? It's, you know, But-Face. So, but what? What's wrong with Rachael?”

“Nothing's wrong with Rachael. She's perfect. I'm… I'm wrong. I can't- I'm doing it now. I feel like I can't talk to anyone, or be myself around anyone.”

“Why?”

“Because that's not _cool_ , Evan. Because I'm not cool. Why would she want to be around me as I am?”

Evan didn't know what to say to that.

“Why would anyone want that. I don't want anyone to know that I'm really even more of a fucking mess than you are.”

Evan tried not to feel offended at that last part, and failed. He looked down at his crossed legs.

“I- look Evan, I didn't mean it that way.”

“How did you mean it, then?”

“I'm really fucking lonely, Evan.”

“Then it might do you some good not insult one of your friends. Sorry. _Family_ friends.”

“Don't.”

“Don't what, Jared?”

“Don't turn this around on me.”

“Why not? I can't remember the last time you were nice to me when you weren't asking for my help. I can't remember the last time you were nice to me when you didn't remind me to tell my mum, or remind me it was so that your parents would pay your car insurance.”

“It was- I can't- you don't understand. I can't explain why I did that, it's shitty, it was a shitty thing to do, I'm terrible, I'm awful, and I'm sorry, but that's not going to change anything, is it?” Jared had come from across the room, was up in Evan's face. Evan shuffled back and closed his eyes for a moment to escape the situation.

“If you knew it was bad, if you knew you were being awful, why did you keep doing it?” He asked, trying to stem the tears. He wasn't even sad, it was just the confrontation of it. He hated how close Jared was, that he could feel his hot, and angry breaths on his face. He was too close, and Evan felt like he couldn't breathe with how close he was.

“I don't know. I couldn't, like, I couldn't stop. And every goddamned time I said something like that I hated myself a little bit more. I was so angry, I am so angry, and I took it out on you, because I'm awful and I knew you wouldn't fight back. And that's the most awful thing I have ever said.” Jared stepped back and the air returned to Evan’s lungs.

He sat there waiting for Jared to say something. Anything. And watched his face crumple.

“Sometimes I can't breathe for how lonely I am.” He admitted. “And it's not fair that I ever took it out on you, I just- I had no other way to process my feelings. And now, there's someone in my life, and I've never learned how to, like, socialise without being someone I'm not, and I don't even know who I am. So how can I be me around her?”

Evan waited for words to come to him, to comfort Jared, but he had none.

“I don't know.” He said in a voice so quiet he could barely hear himself.

“And now I'm taking it out on you, again. I'm the worst fucking friend in existence.” Jared punched the floor next to his leg and shook out his hand.

“Things aren't going great between Rachael and I, or rather aren't going smoothly, because I'm emotionally stunted and a little bit pitiful, and she's well adjusted. And I can't drop the fucking ‘I'm okay, I'm cool’ facade to be a person around her, which would sure help with bonding with my soulmate.”

Evan took a deep breath.

“We all struggle.”

“Hmm?”

“I mean, I'm struggling now. Because Connor needs so much help to get through all of this, he truly does, and I love helping him get better, and supporting him, but sometimes it's like he's the only person who benefits from the relationship, you know? Like, I'm always there for him, and sometimes I feel like I'm getting nothing back. And logically, I know that's not true. But I'm still trying to be a real, unbroken person all of the time, trying to be my own person, and I don't remember how it was to be my own person, and not be sad, you know?”

Jared seemed a little speechless at that.

“We’re all struggling, you're not alone in that. But you don't have to be an asshole about it. And talk to her about it.” Evan said the words before he could rethink them.

“Have you talked to Connor about… about all that?”

“Yep. That's why I'm actually here today. To see a friend and be a separate entity to my boyfriend. It's a whole thing, and I still ended up talking about him.” Evan smiled a little forlornly.

“Can- can I talk about-”

“About Rachael? Go for it.” Evan replied, and Jared smiled. “Tell me all about her.”

“Okay, she's got these amazing green eyes, like, proper green, Disney princess green. And yes, I rewatched Disney movies now that I can see colour, and they're fantastic, how did they fit so much colour into those drawings?”

Evan's face split into a proper smile. “I know right?”

“And Tangled was incredible for that, with all the purples and yellows, it was so bright!”

Evan nodded earnestly.

“Anyways, she does this thing when she laughs…”

Evan thought for a moment that maybe he ought to give Jared a proper chance at being a friend after this, if Evan to hear his own thoughts about Connor validated when Jared talked about Rachael. Even if only for that.

* * *

 

“Are you sure you're alright?” Connor asked for maybe the fifth time that afternoon. Truth be told, Evan was incredibly anxious at the thought of having dinner with the Murphy’s, given what had happened last time that had been the plan. But he wasn't about to let that on to Connor.

“No I'm fine.”

“I can feel your heartbeat, you can't lie to me.”

“Logically I know I'm fine. My brain is having a small freak out, nothing to worry about. Now let me in. I need to find another inopportune time to tell your mother that she has a beautiful home.” Evan leant up on his toes to kiss Connor lightly, before ducking under his arm where it rested in the doorframe. “And an even more beautiful son.” He whispered as he was passing, blushing all the while.

Connor closed the door and took long steps to catch up with his boyfriend and take his hand. “How was it, over at Jared's?”

Evan shook his head. “He's, um. I really don't know how to explain it. He's struggling. Has been struggling for a while now. Which doesn't make anything he did okay, but, it explains it all a bit.”

Connor nodded silently as they rounded the corner to the living room. Where Alana was standing, awkwardly holding a glass of water. The boys looked at each other then back to her, and approached her quickly. Connor looked concerned.

“What's happening?” He demanded in a hushed tone.

Alana widened her eyes and shrugged. “I have no idea. She asked me round and all of a sudden your mom was giving my drinks and sitting me down and telling me I just had to stay for dinner. And Zoe didn't try to stop her.”

“What the hell? Just last week she had a panic attack about this very situation.”

Alana nodded frantically. “I have no idea what's going on, but I say all three of us say nothing of the situation unless Zoe spills the beans.”

Evan couldn't help a chuckle at that. Both Alana and Connor looked at him wildly.

“Sorry, it's been a while since I've heard anyone say ‘spill the beans’ outside of a movie script.” He explained. The two nodded.

“Oh, Connor! Evan! You're home. And you've met Alana! She's been tutoring Zoe, did you know that?” Called Cynthia from the doorway. Evan might have been mistaken, but there was a knowing glint in her eyes.

“Oh really?” Asked Connor, almost convincingly.

“Yes.” Alana spoke up, just as stilted as everyone else. Why could nobody in this house lie? “I'm tutoring her in English and science, because Zoe is struggling with those subjects.”

Evan had to look down and bite his lip to keep from laughing. He couldn't speak normally to anyone, but he could act more naturally than things, and certainly lie better. Connor's elbow dug into his side and he stopped smiling.

“Well, dinner is almost ready, Connor could you and Evan please set the table, and Alana, could you call Zoe and Larry downstairs? That would be wonderful.” Cynthia left the room full of teenagers bewildered.

“How are you two so bad at lying?” Evan wheezed. “She knows something's up, and it's because of that.”

“Oh, innocent Evan is lecturing us on how to lie?” Connor smirked and raised his eyebrows.

Evan gave him a dirty look. “I can lie convincingly.”

“Sure.”

“I can!”

Connor shook his head. “We have a job to do.”

Evan rolled his eyes and joined his boyfriend in setting the table.

* * *

 

“The chicken is delicious, Cynthia.” Larry's voice broke the awkward silence at the table in the worst way. In the way that left everybody else with no choice but to nod in agreement.

There was a tension that just wasn't breaking around the table, and if nobody broke it soon, Evan's brain was going to go into overdrive and he was going to freak out, which nobody would want. He picked at the food on his plate. He wasn't really hungry with his heart trying to beat its way out of his throat, and Connor looked over to him and surreptitiously moved a hand to Evan's knee to comfort him.

All of a sudden Zoe cleared her throat, and all of the other teens at the table raised their heads and looked at each other with widened eyes. What was she doing?

“So mom, dad, I, um, wanted to talk to you about something.”

The parents nodded and smiled.

“I'm, um, I think I'm a little bit, um, a _littlebitgay_.” She rushed out, and shoved the rest of her food in her mouth.

There was a silence again.

And then:

“Okay.”

“What?” Zoe's head sprung up, and food came flying out of her mouth.

“Okay.” Cynthia repeated. Larry looked somewhat concerned, but stayed quiet. He looked like was contemplating something. Evan would be ready to give him another telling off if he decided to take Zoe on.

“I- What? _That's it_?”

“Did you want us to yell, sweetheart? Because we can, but I don't think you want that, and we certainly don't want that.”

“No, of course I don't want you to yell, but I figured you would at least, I don't know, react.”

“Well, maybe we can discuss why you've discovered this?”

Zoe blushed. It was now that Evan realised he hadn't been able to keep his soulmate from his mother for sixteen hours, and she had wondered why he hadn't told her straight away. Zoe had been hiding hers for over two months.

“Well, um, it's hard to explain. I, kind of met my soulmate?”

Cynthia's face lit up, and Evan thought there was a hint of a smile on Larry's face now.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, um, she's lovely.”

“You'll have to bring her around sometime.”

Connor was the first to crack.

“Well, she's already here, mom, so I'd say that Zoe is covering all the basics.”

Zoe glared at him.

“What? That was where you were going, right?”

“Alana is-”

“My soulmate.”

“Oh. Oh. But she's been tutoring you for months, how had you not already found out-”

“We found out while Connor was living at Evan's. And given the emotional climate of that time, I was- I was really scared you'd kick me out too.” Zoe admitted, looking down.

There was a silence, and Alana reached for Zoe's hand.

“That's- That's nearly three months. You've been able to see colour for three months?”

“I'm surprised the hair dyeing didn't tip you off.” Zoe admitted.

“Even after Connor came home, you didn't tell us.” Cynthia looked offended.

“I was really scared.” Zoe's voice was getting smaller and smaller.

“She had a panic attack last week at the mere suggestion that you might know about Alana. She was really freaked out, mom. It wasn't like it was a personal attack against you.”

Cynthia nodded.

“So you two are dating?” Larry asked, speaking for the first time in nearly fifteen minutes.

“Yes.” Alana nodded.

“Great.” He got up.

“Larry, where are you going?”

“I'm going to make it fair. Connor may not have a door for different reasons, but it serves the same purpose, and it wouldn't be unbiased parenting if I didn't take her door away.” He replied, already at the stairs.

“Or you could put my door back!” Connor called.

“You're never going to convince him.” Evan whispered.

“It was worth a shot.” Connor smiled.

Things had worked out relatively okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that hit the mark, it's past midnight here, and I am very tired and hungry. I wanted to deal with some of the drama that I'd been playing with fo the last couple of chapters, and I think that we've discovered that none of these kids are alright? And I may have just resolved a lot of the conflict I've been laying down. So, where do we go from here? If you have any ideas, please share them. 
> 
> I'm @cakesnake on tumblr, if that is something you want to see.


	14. No One Deserves

This had all started perfectly innocently, with a chaste kiss after they covered another topic while studying, a way to bribe themselves and each other into working harder. But it only served to distract them to where they were with Evan lazed out over the top of Connor, kissing the breath out of him. And Connor couldn't find it in him to care that it was a little bit uncomfortable to breathe with Evan here with him, on him, kissing him.

Shifting away from him slightly. Connor furrowed his brows, and pulled away with a hand around the back of Evan's head. “What's up?”

Evan looked down, smiling uncomfortably, blushing profusely. Connor cupped his jaw and brought his face up so they were looking eye to eye. “What is it? We can stop if you want-”

“No, no, I just, I'm sorry, I didn't want to make it uncomfortable-” Evan glanced down again and Connor followed his eyes. And understood suddenly.

There was a small gasp he couldn't keep in his lungs. Evan wanted him. Evan wanted _him_.

Evan mistook the gasp for Connor being horrified or disgusted or something, and started pushing away from Connor, who all of a sudden found himself spurred into action, pulling Evan closer than he had been before, and kissing him with all the emotion he could convey. Evan's hands came away from Connor's shoulders and stayed in the air for a moment of confusion before burying themselves in Connor's hair, scratching lightly at his scalp, pulling at his hair, and there was a breathy groan that emerged from his mouth that both boys were somewhat surprised by. There was an urgency now to the kissing that hadn't been there before, that Connor thought was more in line with the way Evan normally was; rushed, anxious, desperate.

All of a sudden, Evans hips grazed his thigh and Evan made this squeaking noise that was somehow the hottest and the cutest thing Connor had ever heard. He placed his hand on Evan's lower back and guided him back to where his hips had been, and looked up into Evan's eyes to gauge whether this was okay. Evan nodded slightly, and exhaled slowly as the two of them started moving together.

The breath was caught in Connor's throat, and he buried his face in Evan's neck, shakily trying to breathe, trying to feel anything but overwhelmed and teary eyed. Evan wanted him. Wanted him this close, this intimately, was holding on to him with all his might, there was no doubt in Connor's mind that Evan wanted him here. He blinked away the tears and continued rocking into Evan's thigh, moving his mouth so that he was pressing open mouthed kisses to Evan's neck. Evan gasped again and rolled his hips a little quicker.

There were thoughts he was having that Connor could barely understand, or even articulate, but the one that he kept coming back to was the one that urged him to profess his love for Evan, to tell him exactly how he felt, how he was feeling, how he was always so happy and calm around Evan, how he had made his life better, helped him get better, how he was so grateful, how he loved him and every one of his quirks.

Connor found himself coming closer to being face to face with Evan, a kiss here right beside his jaw, here behind his ear, there on his cheek, there, right there on his lips. Evan's hands tightened where they were in his hair.

“Please.” Evan's voice was whiny, and maybe overtook that squeaking noise he had made before for the hottest noise Connor had ever heard. Connor's hands wandered, one balling up in the back of Evan's soft shirt, and one wandering below the hem of his shirt and making its way up his abdomen. Evan groaned, and one of his hands wandered down Connor's face, and around and under his shirt, pulling scratches across his back, that made Connors back arch.

“Oh my god, Connor.”

The words made Connor groan, and his thoughts were were pulled from his lips before he had a chance to second guess them.

“Evan, oh my god, I love you, I-”

And Evan went still.

* * *

 _I love you_.

Connor had said _I love you_. To him. To Evan. And he was frozen. He couldn't move. He couldn't make any of the many words flying through his brain come out of his mouth.

“Evan?” Connor asked.

Evan tried to speak. To make a sound. And found that he couldn't. He wanted to. He wanted to reply, and tell Connor he loved _him_ , but all that was happening was tears were coming to his eyes and all other functions had shut down.

Connors face came into view, concerned, but there was a guarded look to his eyes. Like he was waiting for Evan to laugh at him any second. To tell him it had all been a joke. To say that he could never love him.

Evan found a way to move his hand, to grasp Connor's shirt, to keep him there, and kept trying to move his lips, activate his voice box, to try and say it back. But already Connor seemed to have pulled back, seemed to be retreating into the shell of himself that he had been before he had started trying to get better.

“I-” Evan sighed, frustrated at himself.

“No.” Connor's voice had a hardness to it that Evan hadn't heard for a good long while. “No, you don't have to say it if you don't mean it. I mean, you obviously don't want to say it. It's okay, you don't love me, and that's fine, I'm _fine_.”

Evan tried to shake his head, but his body was frozen again, overwhelmed by the myriad of feelings he had, the love he was feeling for Connor, and the fear now, the fear that Connor would leave, the fear that Connor believed what he was saying, that he truly believed Evan didn't want to say that he loved him.

Instead the tears came pouring, and Connor looked uncomfortable now.

“Look, you don't have to make this a production number.” Connor had never resembled his father more with the indifferent look of discomfort on his face. “It's not a big deal. You don't love me. And that's _fine_. You're just the one person I'm supposed to be able to count on having with me for the rest of my life.” There was a sardonic chuckle at the end of that statement, and Connor had turned his head away, and Evan knew it was because he didn't want him to see him show any vulnerability. He didn't want Evan to see the tears.

All of a sudden, Evan’s voice box kicked back into action. “No, no, that's not it, Connor, I do- I _do_ love you, I just, you shocked me, and I couldn't-”

“Stop it. I know you're just doing this because you pity me, because I'm your fucking charity case, and you don't want to see me sad. I'm allowed to be sad, Evan.”

“N-no, that's not it at all, Connor, I love you-”

“Please don't. Would you fucking let go of me? I need to get out of here.”

“No. I'm not letting go of you, you have to listen to me-”

“Let go of me, Evan! Let me go! It's clear you don't want me here, so let me go so I can leave.” There was an edge of desperation to Connor's voice as he struggled against Evan's arms.

“No-”

“Evan, I swear to fucking god I will re break your arm!” And there was fury in Connor's voice, in his tone, in his eyes that sent  Evan back to that scared, limp place, and Connor was gone.

 _Connor was gone_.

Evan had ruined everything. He broke down.

* * *

His mother had found him in that same position hours later. The tears had stopped, but the chest wracking sobs and his racing heart hadn't.

“Evan?”

He shook his head. Nobody else needed to see him like this. Broken, with no hope of repairing himself.

“Evan? What's wrong? Are you hurt, sweetheart?”

“I ruined it.”

“Sweetie?”

“I ruined all of it, mom! He's not going to come back. He's not- he's not gonna love me anymore-”

Heidi looked out of her depth, but approached to hold her son. He collapsed in her lap the moment she sat down, and she rubbed his back the way she had done when he had been sick as a child.

“How did you ruin it, sweetheart?”

“He- mom, he said he loved me. And- god, I just froze. I didn't say it back, I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, and I tried, but he- but he had already taken it the wrong way. Mom, he thinks I don't love him. He thinks I took him in as a charity case.”

Heidi tried several times to come up with the words that would make it better, but she knew the only thing that could make it better was if the boys sorted the misunderstanding out for themselves.

“Evan, you have to talk to him-”

“He doesn't want to talk to me, mom! I can't, oh my god, I wish I were dead.”

“Don't say things like that, Evan.”

“I wish I had never been born, mom! He- he was the only person- he was the only person who could love me despite how broken I am, and he _hates_ me, so there's no point, anymore-”

“Evan, this is all heat of the moment stuff, you don't mean this. Evan, baby-”

“No mom, I've felt like this for a good goddamned while!” Evan sat up, and the tears were streaming again, and his head hurt, and his nose run, and he must have been embarrassingly disgusting, but he didn't care. “I broke my arm because I decided I'd rather die than be that lonely! I didn't fall out of a tree, I let go, mom! Because I'm so _fucking_ broken! Like, maybe more broken than Connor is.”

“No, no, no. No. You told me you _fell_ -”

“Yeah, well, how would you explain to _your_ mom that you wanted to die so much that slipping out of a 40 foot oak tree seemed like the best option, huh? Let's see you explain that calmly. I just wanted it to go away, and it didn't. And I had Connor for a while, and that was better, it was manageable. But, he's gone now, and he doesn't want me anymore, so I may as well die!”

“Evan, _don't_!” Heidi might have been crying more than Evan was at that point. “You don't know that he doesn't want to see you! You don't know that he hates you! Evan, he said he loved you. That's the opposite. That's the opposite of hating you, of never wanting to see you again. Feelings like that don't just switch on a dime.”

“He was so angry, mom.”

“He was scared, sweetie. Just as much as you are now, I'd say.”

There was silence.

“I don't know what to say to him to convince him. I love him so much, mom. It hurts how much I love him. It hurts to be away from him.”

“I know.”

“It hurts.” Evan's brows furrowed.

“I know sweetheart, but-”

“No, mom, it _hurts_!” All of a sudden, Evan was reaching for his phone on his dresser, frantically dialling a number as he clenched his other fist in his lap.

“Evan?”

Evan gasped and bit his lip. “Something's wrong. He's not picking up.” Evan dialled a different number.

* * *

**Incoming Call from Bro's Boyf**

“Hello?” Zoe picked up the phone calmly.

Evan's voice on the other end was frantic. “Is Connor there?”

“Um, I think he came home a couple hours ago?”

“Please go find him, I think-” a cut off groan. “I think something's very wrong.”

Zoe jumped up, scaring Alana somewhat and ran to Connor's room.

* * *

Evan heard the clatter of Zoe's phone on the hardwood floor, and heard a commotion, above which he heard someone; Zoe, yell four words that could tear Evan apart or stitch him back together.

“ _Call an ambulance, quickly_!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to say I'm sorry. And I am. But we can't have a proper resolution without conflict. But I promise I'm going to resolve it all very soon. I think we're coming up on the last couple of chapters here, so I think I had better resolve everything soon. Thank you everyone for your overwhelming support. 
> 
> Please send a little of that love over to @nosecoffee, who uploaded something very recently that I love, and I know you'll love. It's the perfect happy fic to read after reading this chapter.


	15. To Be Forgotten

Evan couldn't feel the noise as it was ripped from his throat, couldn't feel the scream he was hearing, couldn't stop it. but felt his mother grasp at him, pull him to her.

“Evan, Evan, talk to me, what's happened?”

And Evan was on his feet and he was running; he couldn't think about what might have happened, what had happened to Connor, what he had ruined, what he had caused. Somewhere far away he heard his mother yelling after him.

It was all his fault. Connor was hurt, might be dying, and it was all his fault.

* * *

Alana couldn't look away. She wanted to, felt she needed to. But she was stuck watching Connor convulse on the floor as Zoe knelt over him, bewildered and scared, trying to do anything to help.

“ _911, what's your emergency?_ ”

“I- my friend- he seems to be having a seizure.”

“ _Is this his first seizure?_ ”

“I think he took something. I- what do we do?”

“ _How long has he been seizing to your knowledge?_ ” Alana couldn't understand how the person on the other end of the line wasn't freaking out. Connor might be dying. Was probably dying. Was in pain.

“Um, at least two minutes.”

“ _Could I have your address? We will need to send an ambulance._ ”

Alana rattled off the address as she listened to her girlfriend beg her brother to stay with them, heard what sounded like screaming coming from Zoe's phone where it had fallen on the floor. Heard the thumps and bumps as Connor convulsed on the floor.

“ _Put something soft beneath his head, do not put anything in his mouth._ ” Alana rushed over to the bed and grabbed Connor's pillow to shove beneath his head, and found an empty prescription bottle for Ritalin.

“Ritalin.” She said into the phone. “I think he's overdosed on Ritalin.”

She heard Zoe sobbing on the floor, and passed her the pillow. “Put this under his head.”

“ _Is that prescription made out to him?_ ”

Alana spun the bottle until she found his name. “Yes.”

“ _An ambulance is on its way and they have been notified about the medication._ ”

“Thank you.” Alana sunk to her knees next to Connor, and rested her hand on his shoulder, which had now stopped shaking so violently. She moved her hand in front of his mouth to check he was still breathing, and then checked his pulse.

“Zoe,” she whispered, “you need to check on Evan. You need to tell him what's happened.”

Zoe moved across the floor and picked the phone up, where she heard wind in the microphone and what sounded like sobbing.

“Evan?” She said, and there was an answering sob. “Evan, there's an ambulance on its way to our house. He's… he's alive for now, and should be okay in the long run. But he'd want you to be here.”

There was the sound of rushing footsteps coming close to the microphone, and Zoe heard Heidi.

“ _Evan, what's happened? You have to talk to me, sweetheart. Can I take your phone, and talk to… okay. Hello?_ ”

“Heidi?”

“ _Zoe, what's happened?_ ”

“Connor, um… we think he tried to-” a sob ripped itself from her lips. “He- he's overdosed. There's an ambulance on the way. He's- we think he's going to be okay-”

Alana all of a sudden was moving behind her, her phone tucked between her shoulder and her ear. “He's not breathing, should I start CPR?”

“Heidi, I've got to go, but can you drive Evan here? Connor would want him here.” Zoe said urgently.

“ _Yes of course._ ”

“Thank you.” And she hung up.

Alana started chest compressions as Zoe started hearing sirens in the distance, she got up to look out the window and saw her parents walking up the drive. They had no idea. And an ambulance was about to pull up outside their house. Zoe started running down the stairs, and was out the door as the ambulance started down their street.

“Zoe, what's going on?” Cynthia asked.

“I-” the tears started falling. “ _Connor._ ”

Larrys eyes widened and he was running into the house, as Cynthia turned to see the paramedics climbing out of the ambulance.

“What did he do, Zoe?” Cynthia grasped her shoulders. “What did he do?”

“He- he overdosed on- I think Alana said Ritalin-”

“Excuse me, miss, was it you on the phone?”

“He's upstairs, follow me, please hurry.”

* * *

“Evan, darling, do up your seatbelt. You need to be safe.”

“What's the point. Connor's dying, right? That's what Zoe said, on the phone?”

“She said there was an ambulance on the way. She said he would be fine.”

Evan shook his head and begrudgingly put on his seatbelt.

Heidi drove as fast as she could to the Murphy’s house, sneaking concerned looks at her son who was slumped into the window. All of a sudden the flash of red and blue lights against the last rays of the sun filled the car, and they was a stretcher being wheeled down the Murphy's front lawn.

And Evan was moving, unbuckling his seatbelt, opening the door and sprinting up the lawn to meet them. And so was Heidi. The car was still running, but she couldn't care less. She had promised herself that she would take care of this kid, and as she came closer she saw him pale and limp, with a mask over his face. Here he looked smaller, less able to defend himself, broken. She saw that she had failed. And she hated it.

“Please, I have to go with him.” Evan shouted over the noise. “Please, please, I have to be there if-”

The paramedics looked at him. “Are you family?”

She watched Evan swallow the anxiety she knew he was feeling. “I'm his soulmate. _Please_.”

“Get in kid.”

Heidi turned to the Murphy's as the ambulances doors closed behind their sons. “My car is still running. I'll drive you to the hospital.”

Cynthia Murphy was in tears, but Larry; who she had yelled at for the better part of an hour not too many weeks ago, who still looked slightly scared of her; nodded his head. “Thank you.”

She looked to Zoe and Alana. “You too?”

Alana looked shellshocked, and Zoe didn't look much better. But they nodded, and they all clambered into the small car.

* * *

Later, Evan wouldn't recall the trip to the hospital, wouldn't recall the way he held Connors hand and wept as the paramedic in the back bustled around keeping Connor alive. Wouldn't remember how many goodbyes he had drafted in his head, thinking, knowing that Connor wouldn't make it, hoping that was only his paranoia.

He would remember how awful it had felt to be left in the waiting room as he watched his soulmate disappear down the hall without so much as a last kiss. He would remember the many hours he sat there with his head in his hands, silent, with everybody else around him just as tense, just as anxious, just as scared that they would lose him. Evan thought that it was funny, not humourous, just funny that Connor had felt so alone, and there were so many people waiting to make sure he was okay.

It's felt like two years, but it had only been two hours since arrival when a nurse emerged.

“Family of Connor Murphy?” Everybody stood up, concerned, wide eyed, so, so worried that they were about to learn that they had lost him.

“Okay, _parents_ of Connor Murphy, please.”

Evan looked pleadingly at Cynthia and Larry as they passed and the nurse ushered them down the hall.

“Does it look different?” Zoe asked. She was flat, somehow, no emotion to her voice.

“I'm sorry?” He asked, his voice cracking from the hours upon hours of crying and screaming.

“Now that he's… does it look different?”

“I don't- no. No, I don't think he's gone.” He realised, looking around and seeing colour, maybe a little duller than usual, but it was definitely there. “Everything is the same. Duller, maybe, but it hasn’t changed. He can't be gone.” _He can't be_.

Cynthia and Larry walked over looking tired, but less distraught.

“He's alive. He's going to be okay. He's currently sedated so that they can deal with-” Cynthia sobbed, and Larry pulled her closer to him, closing his eyes for a moment.

“The point is, he's alive and going to be okay, and that's due to your quick action, girls.”

Zoe shook her head. “Evan called us. He knew something was wrong.”

Cynthia reached out a hand and showed what Evan thought might have been the first genuine positive emotion she had directed at him. “Thank you, Evan. I don't think there will ever be a way that we can show you how grateful we are to you. And you Alana. You were the one who administered CPR?”

Alana, still looking out of it nodded and looked up to Mrs Murphy. “You did well. He's alive because of you.”

Alana nodded and Zoe squeezed her hand.

“Evan.” Larry spoke up. “You can go in, and see him if you want to. He's not awake, but they've stopped actively working on him.”

Evan stood, feeling dizzy, and nodded. “Which room?” He asked in his steadily cracking voice.

“I'll show you.” Larry let go of Cynthia's shoulders and instead planted a hand on Evan's upper back, walking him down the hall in a comfortable silence. Before Larry opened the door, he pulled Evan into a tight embrace.

“Thank you.” Larrys voice cracked, and Evan knew he was crying now. “Even if- even if the unthinkable had happened, it would have been better knowing he had had you. I know I made an awful first impression. I know I've not been the world's best dad. But I'm trying, and that's because of you. You've changed our lives for the better.”

And Evan was crying too, and holding onto Larry, and hoping to god that they never ever had to do this again.

* * *

 

“You should have stayed.” He whispered into Connor's hand where he held it against his lips. “I should never have let go. You should have let me explain myself. I love you, Connor. And you almost left without letting me say that. I love you, and I'm going to say that everyday from now on until you're sick of hearing me say that. There won't be a day where I won't know if I've said it. Because I'm not letting you try to leave me ever again not knowing that I told you I love you.”

He watched Connor stir a little bit, toss slightly in his sleep, and settle again. In fifteen minutes the nurse would be back to check on him, and Evan would have to let go of Connor again. And it would break his heart all over again.

“I wish you'd told me that you were feeling like this again, and I wish I wasn't the cause, I wish you meds would work, and the therapy would help, and that your world view would get clearer and you could be happier. I wish I could fix it all for you, glue the broken pieces back. But my mom is right. All I can do is hold your hand, and stand beside you, and let you yell, rant, and complain at me about how hard it is. I wish it weren't this hard. And I wish you were awake to hear this, because I think this is the longest I've rambled without stuttering.”

Evan could have been mistaken, but he thought he saw a hint of a smile grace Connor’s lips. Evan smoothed his hair back from his forehead, and brought both hands back to Connor’s.

“Please, never make me do this again. I love you, and I want you to get all the help you can, but if I ever have to step foot in a hospital under these circumstances again, I will make it about me.” He threatened.

Then a familiar raspy voice chimed up. “That would be a change.”

“ _Connor._ ”

His eyes flickered open, and a small smile was on his lips.

“Evan.”

“I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I love you too, and I'm so sorry I didn't say it then.”

“I heard.”

“You heard-”

“Yes. Could you call a nurse? My throats feels like something crawled up and died in it.”

Evan nodded dumbly and reached for the Call Button.

“I'm so glad you're okay.” Evan whispered. Connor looked down, and Evan leant forward to kiss his forehead before the nurse came in. “I really, really love you.”

A moment of eye contact.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the angst fest is over, and I solved the conflict and the boys are better. My feeling is that the next chapter is an epilogue. I'll be sad to be finishing this story, but I think dragging it out would be surefire way to ruin it. Thank you all for your incredible support. 
> 
> I'm @cakesnake on tumblr.


	16. For Forever

Legs tangled, hand entwined with hands, foreheads pressed against each other, mouths breathing in the same air, Evan had never felt his heart race like this when he was so, so calm. Connor’s hair brushed his cheeks as their breaths intermingled, and pushed stray strands around, and there was an affection in Connor's eyes that Evan had never seen before.

“I-”

“Shhh…” Evan was surprised he managed to make a noise at all. “Let's just… let's stay like this.”

Any traces of worry that might have been in Connor's face drifted away, and a small smile presented itself.

“There's nowhere else I would rather be.” Connor said quietly, removing his hand from Evan’s and smoothing Evan's sweaty hair back from his forehead. “I want the whole rest of my life to be this.”

“Me too.”

Connors heavy breath on his face shouldn't have been comforting, but Evan couldn't help but want to get closer to him, to his breaths, to his heaving chest, to his bare skin, to feel, and know he was there.

“How long till your mom gets home?”

“I'm getting the feeling that you're not grasping the words ‘Be quiet’.”

“I'm a rule breaker, it's what I do.” Connor exhaled shakily, there was something to it that seemed like a laugh, but wasn't quite there.

Evan looked to his alarm clock. “She should be home sometime in the next two hours.”

“So what you're saying is that we have time to do that again?”

Evan threw back his head in laughter. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“But first we rest.” Connor declared.

Even nodded softly and buried his face in Connor's neck. He was so glad his boyfriend was here, that he was still alive, breathing, able to be with him, here, in this way.

* * *

“So my therapist noted that I was using the word ‘broken’ to refer to myself; and my illness; a lot, so we've decided that I'm going to be substituting the word, because it had negative connotations and it implies I can't be fixed.” Connor said. He was talking fast, and still wasn't making eye contact. It had been three weeks since his suicide attempt, and Evan didn't think he'd made proper eye contact with him since the hospital.

“So what are you substituting in its place?” Evan asked. It sounded like a good plan to him, something that he might have to implement for himself as well. He had a bad habit of thinking of himself as broken, and unfixable, a burden, no good- this wasn't about him.

“Um, healing. Growing. Learning. Adjusting. Things like that. That imply I'm not in a good place, or I don't know as much as I should, but that clearly say that I'm making an effort to get better”

“That…” Evan made an effort to find the right words. “That sounds like a really good change.”

“Yeah, I mean, it's already feeling a little better just saying it, you know? I know what's wrong with me, and I'm actively making an effort to help myself be better and cope with it better, so I should be reflecting that and acknowledging that in my vocabulary, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And I thought…” Connor took a breath. “I thought you could do it with me. That first panic attack you had, in my car that first day. You said you were broken. And, I thought it might help you, and we could monitor each other, and correct each other. Keep each other on the right track?”

Evan smiled and looked for any sign that Connor would welcome physical contact. There was a slight blush on his cheeks, and his hand was further out from his body, looking almost like he was reaching for Evan. He took a chance and placed his hand over it.

“I'd like that.”

* * *

“Evan, it's just a bunch of tests. You do so well at them once you're in there.”

“Well, I'm freaking out now, Jared. I'm not in there, I'm awake at three in the morning the night before studying up, because this could be the mark that makes or breaks the college thing.”

“You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself for these.”

“The SAT’s are a big deal, Jared!”

Jared rolled his eyes. “But we’re smart kids. Studying is for the weak, we die like men.”

“You die, I’m gonna study.”

Jared sighed. “Pass me the flashcards. If you're gonna keep me up, I may as well be learning.”

“Can you two dumbasses quiet down? I'm trying to learn.” Connor lifted his head and glared at the two boys on the floor.

“Connor, not to be contrary or anything, but you seem to be trying to sleep with your head on top of a textbook.”

A middle finger showed up over the edge of the bed. “Learning by osmosis. I just want to sleep, can we sleep now?”

“No, we've got to study, because if I don't pass this- if I don't pass- then all those essay contests and scholarship applications would be for nothing- and- and-”

Connor slipped off the edge of the bed and moved slowly to put his arms around Evan. “It will be worse if you haven't had sleep. You've been studying this way for the last month. You have studied more than Alana has. You need sleep.”

Evan made to resist and Connor leant backwards and took them both to a horizontal position. “It's sleep time. You too, Jared.”

“I'm gonna stay up here, thanks. I might even sleep on the bed if you two are planning on defiling the floor.”

“Every surface in this room has already been defiled Kleinman, there is no escape.”

“Ew, I'm sleeping on the couch.”

Connor vaguely heard Jared get up and walk out of the room, and started to move, and get up so both he and Evan could move to the bed. But Evan was heavy and limp and… _oh_. Snoring softly. He was asleep. Connor was somewhat amused. But knew that Evan would likely be very grumpy and anxious the next morning with a sore neck and back, having to go and do the SAT’s.

He untangled himself from his boyfriend’s arms, and bent down to lift him from the floor up onto the bed, struggling for a moment with his grip, and then holding him against his chest for a moment, feeling the warmth of him, the comfort of his weight.

Evan sighed and mumbled something unintelligible as Connor contemplated the boy in his arms, and _sweet Jesus_ that was adorable. He laid Evan down on the bed and smiled for a moment as Evan wriggled in his sleep, situating himself comfortably in the middle of the bed. Connor turned off the light and laid down next to Evan, uncomfortably close to the edge, and wrapped his arms around the other boy.

Calm came easily now, with the two of them being so willing and able to hold each other like this, but sleep still wasn't easy to find for Connor, with the meds, and the anxiety, and now with the nightmares.

Connor had made the snap decision that day; as he drove angrily away from Evan's house; to just end it all. Impulsiveness: it came with his illness, and so did suicidal thoughts. Even so, he had sat in his room for hours before actually downing the pills. He had stayed sitting for a while, thinking about rethinking his decision. About putting the pills down, about going back to Evan's house and letting him explain. About even just walking one door up the hall and telling Zoe that he couldn't be alone right now. Instead he filled his palm with his ADD meds; he read that stimulants were more likely to be fatal than antidepressants, and that was what he was looking for; and swallowed them in three parts and waited for them to kick in.

He had thought idly about writing a note. But that was why he was doing this, right? Because no one would care if he died. Why would they want him to explain?

And then, the worst bit. His heart was racing, and his hands wouldn't stop shaking, and he felt more alive now than he had when he took the pills, and _that_ _wasn't_ _the_ _point_ _of_ _this_ , _goddamn_ _it_. And now the fear. He was dying, and _no one_ _cared_. No one was here. No one had asked him what was wrong when he came into the house, obviously angry, obviously crying. No one cared if he was upset. No one cared that he wasn't loved, that all he wanted was for one person, one person on this whole planet to love him as much as he loved them.

Distantly, he heard his phone ringing, but he was so far away. How long had it been since he took the pills? When had he got to being on the floor? Everything was going fuzzy around the edges, and all of a sudden pain was seizing his body, and he couldn't control his limbs, and _oh god_ , this is how he would die. Everything went dark.

He could hear shouting, screaming, sirens, begging, and then nothing. A slow beeping, breathing. He was distantly aware that he had failed. He was alive. But there was a warm hand in his, and Evan's soft ‘I'm freaking out, but I'm going to speak like I'm not’ voice. Telling him how glad he was that Connor wasn't dead. That he wasn't gone. That he almost left without letting Evan say that he loved him, without letting him explain.

And when Connor opened his eyes, Evan was there. Evan cared.

But in Connor's nightmares, now, three months after, no one was there, and all of his fears were confirmed. No one was in the waiting room, no one was by his bedside. All of them would have preferred he died. And he would have preferred that he died. Sometimes Evan and Zoe are there, glaring, angry, just as angry as he is that he failed saying ‘ _You should have died. We were happier without you_.’

More than once Evan had had to wake him from this nightmare. Sometimes even the comfort of Evan being there can't calm the tears until he sees the sun rising over the edge of the windowsill, until he knows that he has truly woken up, that Evan really is there, really does love him, really wants him alive, really is so glad he is still there.

Connor would often go to sleep in his own bed and wake up with no memory of having driven to Evan's house and climbing the drainpipe. It was to a point that Heidi wouldn't even bat an eyelid if Connor was in the kitchen dressed in her son’s slightly too small clothes when she woke up. Of course going home, to be interrogated about where he had been, and how dangerous it was to be going out without telling them where he was, wasn't his favourite part of this arrangement.

But being here, that was. And it made up for all the shit he would get in when he got home. Maybe this was enough to right all the wrongs in his life. Or maybe it was enough to help him right the wrongs.

* * *

“So everyone is coming?”

“Yes.”

There was a silence as Evan looked at his knees. Connor knew what he was thinking.

“We're here fifteen minutes early, to reserve a table, that's why nobody else is here. I knew that you'd want to be early as well, to make sure we would absolutely be here on time. I know you.”

There was a small smile on Evan's face.

“I know you. I didn’t want to freak you out.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

A pause, comfortable, and almost interrupted by the joining of hands.

“So we're meeting Rebecca today, right?”

“Rachael. And yes.”

“Rachael. Got it.”

“He didn't want to do it separately. He figured it would be easier as a group.”

“He knows we're not allowed to hate her, right? We all know he's going to be with her forever.”

Evan gave a small laugh. “He's still worried. We've just gotta make sure he's comfortable with the whole thing. You know he's going to therapy now?”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Rachael's been pretty supportive of the whole thing, especially after he explained the whole thing to her, why they weren't clicking.”

Connor nodded. “Do you think we wouldn't have clicked as well if we weren't so broken?”

“We're not broken, we haven't ever been broken.” Evan reminded him. “We’re healing. And I think so. Even if we wouldn't have been matched if it weren't for our illnesses, I think that whatever matches Soulmates knew that we needed each other. Knew that we would help each other learn how to be better.”

Connor nodded.

They watched Alana and Zoe walk to the entry of Á La Mode, quickly, smiling, holding hands.

“See? They're seven minutes early. We're in the right place at the right time.” Connor waved to the girls from the booth to signal them over.

“Hey.”

“Hey, how're you guys doing today?”

“I'm feeling that it's much too cold for ice cream, and that Larry is not relaxed about the fact that you haven't been home in forty eight hours. Not impressed, please come home so dad will relax.”

“Yeah, fine but Evan's coming with me. Text your mom that you're staying at mine tonight, okay?”

Evan nodded and pulled out his phone to do just that.

 **To Mom, 3:45pm:** Can I stay at Connor's tonight?

 **From Mom, 3:45pm:** yes, I've got a double shift, so I won't be home anyways. Just text me when you get there and when you get home.

And then there was Jared, being pulled along by a tall, dark haired girl. Both of them grinning, though one who knew him could see the tightness, the nervousness in Jared's face.

Once again, Connor reached up and waved to the two to signal where they were. Maybe he felt it was his job, as the tallest person in the group. There were only two or three inches in it though, Evan was pretty tall, only just shorter than Connor.

And Jared was still being dragged by the girl, by Rachael, to the table, and it was almost like he was digging his heels in. He watched Rachael roll her eye and tug him slightly to rest her arm around his shoulders. Evan smiled, welcomingly; but not too wide, too much teeth was weird and he didn't want to be weird, he wanted to make a good impression. He refocused, feeling Connor’s hand around his.

“Hi guys. This is Rachael Bloomberg, my soulmate.”

Everyone smiled and waved, Alana and Connor uttering a small “Hi.”.

“Rachael, this is Alana, and Zoe, and Connor, and Evan.” Jared pointed to each person individually, and Rachael, without a hint of hesitation, leant over the table and shook everyone's hand as she was introduced. Oh god, were his hands sweaty? Certainly the one that Connor was holding was, so he rubbed his other hand on his pants and held it up for her to take and shake, only to realise it was the wrong hand. He blushed, and she smiled wider, comfortingly, and offered her other hand to shake with.

“I'm so glad to finally meet you all.” Her voice was light and happy, and betrayed nothing if she was lying. She sounded sincere, like she did want to be here, like she really did want to meet them. That put Evan at ease a little more.

“Could you guys move up a little, we have to sit down too.” Jared said.

Connor jokingly rolled his eyes and moved up and patted the space next to him, where Rachael sat down automatically. It was like she didn't have to think about it. Jared sat down next to Zoe, and the two linked hands over the table.

“So, Rachael, where do you go to school? Are you in your senior year, like us?” Asked Alana.

“Hey!” A protest from Zoe.

“Right. Like most of us?”

Rachael gave a small laugh. “I am in my senior year, and I'm at Mainland Regional High. I don't live in district to go to your school, despite only living fifteen minutes away.” She rolled her eyes. “Damn school districts, dictating when I can and can't see my boyfriend.”

Jared smiled, and Evan watched him squeeze her hand tighter, like he was reaffirming she was there.

“Do you know where you're going for college next year?” Alana asked, full of questions, where everybody else was stunned with Rachael's ease filled presence.

“Oh I'm looking at a couple of places, but I'm mostly hoping to stay in the New York New Jersey area. I don't want to be too far away from my family. I'm hoping to do music. I play a couple of instruments; piano, guitar, I dabble in a few others, and I'm also a vocalist, so I'm hoping on going to an observatory. I'm hoping on Juilliard, but I haven't got anything back from them yet.”

Alana nodded sagely. They all knew the tense deep fear of not having any word back from your preferred college.

“I'm hoping to apply to Juilliard next year, as well.” Zoe said. “I play guitar in Jazz band, and it's really the only thing I want to continue doing from school, so I might as well do more school for it, right?”

Rachael's face lit up at Zoe's response. Probably because of finding someone like her in this group. “Absolutely. If you find something you love, you might as well stick to it.”

Evan had applied to a couple schools after getting back a couple of scholarship essays confirming that he had won. All in all they would skim the surface of the massive debt he would incur, but at least they would do that. He wanted to go into environmental science. He had played with the idea of going into psychology for a while, but Connor had reminded him that he could barely deal with his own problems with the help of a therapist, and that becoming a therapist would not do wonders for his mental health.

So he applied to the State University of New York, specifically to their Environmental Science and Forestry college. It was reasonably close to home, so that he could visit, and it was the one of the top environmental science schools in the country. He had also applied to a couple of schools in California, hoping they rejected him so he had an excuse not to move across the country. He was still hopeful, waiting on a letter from SUNY ESF.

“Evan?” Came Connors voice. I'm gonna go get us some ice cream. Do you want your usual?”

Evan tried to swallow whatever was blocking the words from emerging, but ended up just nodding. Rachael got up to let Connor out of the booth, and Connor gave Evan a comforting smile as he went up to order.

“So Evan?” Rachael started, and oh god, his voice wasn't back, there was no way he could answer this question. “You and Jared have been friends for years now?”

Evan nodded, lost for what else to do, as he tried to find his voice.

“We've been friends since before Pre-K.” Jared answered on his behalf. “We were Best-Toddler-Friends.”

Rachael nodded. “Cool, cool.” She was acting like it was Evan who had said it. “How long have you and Connor been together, if you don't mind my asking?”

He tried to push through whatever barrier was there, but trying in and of itself was making him even more anxious, less able to speak. He opened his mouth but no sound came out. Stupid anxiety, making him look stupid in front of someone he wanted to impress.

“You okay buddy?” Jared asked, concern showing on his face.

Evan grimaced at him as an apology, and focused on trying to make a sound, any sound at all.

“Is he okay?” And now she was talking like he wasn't there, like because he couldn't talk he also couldn't hear.

“Evan has anxiety, like really bad social anxiety, and sometimes he just can't speak no matter how much he wants to. He described it to me once as it being like a car in neutral. The motor is running, but the car isn't moving. He's thinking, and he's trying to speak, but it just isn't happening. Am I getting it right, Evan?”

Finally, they acknowledged he was there. He nodded, and closed his eyes, and focused on his breathing. Less stimuli, more focus, the tenseness in his throat was already opening up, making way for words.

“That can't be fun.” Rachael said sympathetically. Evan could not for the life of him tell if the statement was directed at him or at Jared, and didn't know if it would make a difference.

“I got you two scoops instead of one, because I love you, and you were looking anxious.” Connor slid back into the booth next to him, setting the cup on the table and putting his arm around Evan. “And I didn't get peanut butter, also because I love you, and I want to kiss you later and not kill you.” Connor buried his face in Evan's hair, and his voice all of a sudden got low and quiet. “Are you okay?”

Evan shook his head.

“What's up?”

Evan tapped his neck.

“Can't speak?”

Evan nodded.

“Are you doing your breathing?”

Evan nodded again.

“Do you need a hug?”

Another nod. Usually touch would be a no go in one of Evan's anxious states, but the rules didn't seem to apply to Connor. His other arm wrapped around Evan's body and squeezed, and somehow, it was like all of the anxiety, that thing stopping him from speaking dropped from his body. He felt like he could breath again.

He cleared his throat, and looked up at Rachael, avoiding eye contact, knowing it would drag him back down. Connor's arms were now looped around Evan's waist, and his head resting in Evan's shoulder. “To answer your question, we found out we were Soulmates about seven months ago now.”

“Cool, cool. I'm sorry, that hug did wonders, I'm just curious-”

“It's a thing we figured out early on. It- physical contact- helps us both calm down, and it's mostly due to the whole Soulmates thing. Nowadays it's getting to be more of a thing that just happens for us. Is that not normal for you guys?”

Evan picked up his cup of ice cream, and smiled. Connor did get him two scoops.

“No. If anything touching is more exciting. Weird.”

Alana spoke up. “The emotional results of soulmates physicality vary from couple to couple, depending on their normal emotional states. My guess is that because both Connor and Evan are highly strung people, the effect is calming. You and Jared and Zoe and I are pretty calm already, so the effect is the opposite.”

Everybody around the table nodded.

It made sense. They had to be able to recognise each other be feel. Know each other the moment they touched for the first time. So it would have to feel entirely different from the way the world usually felt. That would be why both he and Connor had felt so dazed after that first touch, a shove of all things.

The rest of the afternoon flew by, and all of a sudden, Evan found himself in Connor's bed, tired, so tired, with his boyfriend wrapped around him. Connor insisted on being the big spoon because of his height, and Evan would complain if he didn't so love the feeling of Connor's arms around him this way.

“What did you think of Rachael?” Connor whispered.

The room was dark, a whisper only seemed appropriate.

“She seems nice, but I'll need to get to know here before I make any solid judgements.” He answered in the same hushed tones.

“First impressions then.” Connor said.

“Perfectly lovely, very at ease in a new situation. But she talked about me like I wasn't there during my mute episode.”

He felt Connor nod. “Yeah, I knew that would annoy you.”

“She couldn't know.” Evan replied with a small shrug.

There was a small puff of air against Evan's neck, and then an alarm in his watch went off.

“You need to take your pills.” Evan whispered.

“Why do you have alarms set for _my_ pills?” Conn asked, shifting and grabbing the pills he had to take, swallowing them like it was no big thing. Because it wasn't a big thing anymore.

“Because I love you.” Evan replied.

And Connor was back, pressed against him, and he could feel his mouth form a smile against Evan's shoulder.

“I love you too."

* * *

“I'm afraid I didn't make a good first impression.” Rachael said, sort of looking down at her hands. “I relied a lot on Jared’s presence and the fact that we both knew him in order to strike up a conversation, and I didn't make you feel comfortable.”

“You couldn't have known.”

“But I could have tried. I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable in a situation that you should have been entirely comfortable in.”

“Really, it was just my anxiety, you didn't really have anything to do with it.” Evan replied.

“Jared told me how awful you felt that I talked about you like you weren't there, just because you couldn't talk, and I wanted you to know that that wasn't my intention and I will make my utmost effort to never do that again.”

She was making an effort to make good.

“Thank you.” He couldn't think of what else to say.

“Are you excited for the Grad Brunch your mom and Connor's mom are organising?”

“Normally I wouldn't be, but Alana is backseat driving the whole thing, so it's bound to be at least okay. That's why they started planning two months in advance. Alana needs everything to be perfect.”

Rachael laughed a little. “She really likes to be involved.”

“She really likes to be in control, but she does event management really well. I'd be surprised if that isn't what she goes into after graduating. “

Rachael nodded, and they watched Jared and Connor approach from the counter, ice cream in hand.

“So are we gonna make a habit of meeting up here?” Jared asked.

“Shut up, Jared, this is our place now.” Connor replied through a mouthful of ice cream.

Jared rolled his eyes. “More like your place, you insist on bringing us here any time we meet up.”

“No, I have a much better place, much more private, and you will never see it.”

Jared stuck out his bottom lip. “I can't believe you're bullying me.”

“I can't believe you're complaining about not spending private time with me. Imagine how Rachael feels.” Connor joked back.

Evan would always be so grateful that Jared and Connor had got over their petty differences and were at least friendly now.

“Heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken.” Rachael deadpanned back, looking at Jared with a jokingly forlorn face.

Evan stifled a laugh.

“Really, let me and my boyfriend have a place to ourselves.” Connor said.

Evan took Connor's hand, and looked down at the ice cream Connor had got him, slightly melty now , but clearly three scoops of mint chocolate. Every time they came here, Connor got him more ice cream, would smile more, and it felt good, it felt right, but also like Connor was trying to convince him that there were benefits of being with him.

Evan started eating, knowing he wouldn't finish it.

Connor's head rested on his shoulder and the group fell into a comfortable silence.

* * *

 

“Evan!” His mother's voice from downstairs, and Connor and he made embarrassed eye contact and started putting their clothes back on hurriedly. Heidi was home early.

“I'll be down in a second mom!” He called, desperately trying to find the head hole in his shirt, and discovering he had been trying to fit his head through a hole meant for an arm. Connor was buckling his belt back up while trying to find his shirt.

“Evan?” His mom's voice was closer now, and Evan caught a glimpse of Connor, lips and face red, hair mussed, hickies obvious on his neck and he blushed. He had done that, made Connor look that way.

“Yeah mom, just a moment.” Connor put his shirt on and smoothed his hair.

“Evan, look!” His door opened, and Evan knew that what had been happening was obvious. If Connor looked that way, he had to look worse, and look how far apart they were standing, how ashamed and embarrassed they looked. Heidi glanced around the room. “Hi Connor, I didn't know you were here. Evan, look!”

She held out a large heavy envelope to him, which he took. The little design in the corner said State University of New York. He felt the excitement approaching, the world melting away.

He tore the envelope open and saw the word Congratulations and tears were in his eyes. He passed the envelope back to his mom.

She let out a squeal. “Evan! You did it!” Her arms were around him, and Connor looked confused, but understanding that something good had happened.

“I got in.” He said. It was like it wasn't real. Saying it felt more real. “I got in!”

Connor walked across the room and took the letter from his mothers hands, looking it over once, a smile growing on his face. “You did it.” Evan couldn't help but laugh.

Alana had already got so many acceptance letters she was publicly discussing how she was choosing her school. Jared had got a couple of acceptance letters, it was ultimately going to Cornell. Evan hadn't even heard about where Connor had applied, let alone if he had got any acceptance letters.

There was a sadness to Connor's smile as they celebrated Evan's admission to his school of choice. Distantly, Evan heard his mother discussing dinner plans to celebrate. Heidi was jumping and left the room to go and prepare.

“You look sad.”

“This isn't about me.”

“I'm making it about you. Whats wrong?”

“I haven't got any letters back. No rejections, no acceptances. I'm in limbo, and it's kind of making things tense at home.”

Evan nodded. “Where did you apply? You've never even told me what you wanted to do.”

Connor gave a humourless laugh. “I don't know what I want to do. I never even planned on living this long.”

Evan felt the tears coming before they emerged, and he had his arms around Connor in a heartbeat.

“How are they going to decide they want me, when I don't know what I want to do?” He asked.

“Where did you apply? We can narrow down courses. We can figure this out tonight!”

Connor let out a soft laugh.

“We’ll figure out what you want to veto, and that way narrow down some courses you'd be interested in.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. We'll figure this out. And somebody _has_ to accept you. You're too smart for them to turn away.

“Thank you.”

“It's no problem. My mum loves discussing college, anyways. She's gonna jump at the chance to do more research.”

* * *

 

“ _Evan_.” A hushed whisper at his open window. It was getting warmer now, and Evan loved airing out his room, and getting the room unstuffy, and the smell of spring and the warmer oncoming months. As a result, the whisper pierced his sleep and woke him up.

He faintly recognised the voice, but when he opened his eyes, he found it was dark. He turned over and looked at his clock. 4:23am, June 15th. Graduation day. So why was Connor at his window?

“What are you doing here?”

“Can I come in?”

“Obviously.” He groaned, turning over and moving aside so Connor had more room on the bed. Connor basically flung himself through the window and across the room to lay beside Evan. He was carrying the slight chill of the morning air on him, and Evan shivered a little as Connor burrowed under the covers.

“What's up?” Evan asks.

“Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.” The tone in Connor's voice is a sort of fake happy, forced but there.

“Yeah.”

“I wanted to spend as much of it with my boyfriend as possible.”

“Connor, you don't sound alright.” Evan looked up, and knew he was right. Connor as biting his lip, and his eyes were unfocused.

“I-” he stopped and thought about what he was going to say. “I don't know that I'm ready to move on.”

“Connor, you hate high school.”

“Yeah, but it's a kind of hate I'm comfortable with. I have no idea what to expect from the rest of life.”

“That's the point, it's the unknown.” Connor shifted and sat up.

“No, I don't know what's out there, and I don't know that I can handle it. How can I make these huge life decisions when I have no idea what I'm doing now? I'm a kid, Evan. I can't- I don't know what to do with myself now, when my life has direction. What if I fuck it all up when it doesn't and I have to navigate it on my own?” There was a sharp edge to Connor's voice that tipped Evan off. He had been scared about this for some time.

“You don't have to navigate it by yourself. Look at how many people are around to help you out. How much you've gotten through just this last year with all of the people who have your back.”

“I shouldn't need a cheer squad.”

“Sometimes everybody needs a cheer squad. And we're here for you until you decide you don't need us.”

“What if I always need you?”

“Then we'll stay.” Evan sat up and hooked his chin over Connor's shoulder. “It's as simple as that.”

There was a pause, and Connor inhaled like he was preparing for something.

“I finally got an acceptance letter yesterday.” Connor said.

“Really?” Evan smiled.

“Yeah, I guess they must have had me on the list of second choices and I got an admit because somebody didn't want theirs.” There was a low quality to Connor's voice, that sounded like he wanted to make a joke of it, but was too disappointed to fully commit.

“But you got in! Where?” Evan tried to spin this positively.

“Um, actually… SUNY admitted me as well.” There was a small smile on Connor's lips as he heard Evan gasp.

“We're going to the same college?”

Connor nodded. “ _Technically_. I'm going to Binghamton University, you're at ESF. Which is in Syracuse. So really, we're going to college and hour and fifteen minutes apart.”

“That's not that long of a drive.”

“It's not, and I'm willing to make that trek. And you and your mom struck a nerve. I'm gonna do a teaching degree. I figure, I wish that there had been someone who had been through what I've gone through, who could recognise the signs, who cared about kids like me. So I gotta become the person I wish was there for me. I said that to my therapist, and he grinned so hard, man.”

“Oh my god! You're gonna be a teacher!”

“I'm gonna be a teacher!”

Evan grinned and kissed Connor hard and with all the happiness he could muster.

“And here you were telling me you couldn't make big life decisions.”

“Well, to be fair to me, they were a lot harder to make when you weren't here grinning at me and kissing me.”

The future became clearer to the two boys, sat there on the bed in the early morning kissing, the sun creeping over the windowsill, shining clarifying light on the rest of their lives.

_All we see is light, for forever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sad to see this go, to be honest. I have loved writing this for the past month, and passing it over into your hands is the most incredible grift I've been given. 
> 
> I have a couple of ideas of what to write next, some things in this universe, some out of it, but I hope you guys will stay tuned for that. 
> 
> Thank you so much for your overwhelming support. I could never have written as much as I have, could never have created this without the vocal support of this community. 
> 
> This was a lovely journey to go on. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have. 
> 
> H.


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